Monday, October 27, 2008
Dear Mr. UPS Man,
I'm afraid I have to break off our relationship. It's been a very fulfilling relationship for me. (Not as much for you, I fear.) Your daily visits have given me such a thrill. When your glossy brown van pulls up, I can feel my heart begin to race. By the time I see your dark brown shorts and red hiking boots between the blinds on my front window, the sweat has broken out in tiny little bubbles on my brow. Ah, the joy your packages bring with their bright white bar codes and shiny packing tape. The smell of plastic green packing peanuts makes me giddy. You can't know the thrill your computerized signing clip gives me. And my heart always flutters when you whisper those three magic words: "Please sign here." But I feel that our relationship has begun to get unhealthy. I think about you a lot, with your stream of boxes and large padded envelopes. I worry that I'm becoming addicted. I'm afraid my children will notice the way I start Little Einsteins and shut the playroom door just before the 10:30 truck arrives. And I can only shred so many credit card statements before my recycling bin starts to overflow. I hope you understand.
I will miss your handle-bar-mustache smile and your C.H.I.P's sunglasses. And the way you have managed to carry four large boxes to my door every day for the past four weeks without dropping a single one. You are my hero. But I must call this relationship off. Don't worry! It's not for forever! Just for a while. Until I can get a second job. Or transfer my balances to a card with lower interest. Or steal someone's identity. I'll be seeing you soon, UPS Man. I can feel it.
-Shopping Fills The Hole In My Heart