Random November

1. There’s an evil flying bug in my bedroom.
2. I can’t hear it, but I see it fly by my computer screen every once in a while.
3. I hate having evil flying bugs in my bedroom close to bedtime.
4. I know as soon as I turn off the light, the evil flying bug will hover exclusively near my ear and will sound like a jet plane is landing in my room.
5. I also know that as soon as I turn the light back on, the bug will become invisible and mute.
6. I know that this cycle will repeat until it peaks at 3am.
7. And then at 3:01 am I will open my bedroom door, turn on a light in the hallway, get back in bed, pull the covers over my head, and pray that the bug likes the light in the hallway better than the intoxicating aroma of my ear wax.
8. Where are flying bugs coming from in November anyway? Shouldn’t they all be dead by now???
9. My laptop is making me want to blow my brains out.
10. It has become especially sensitive to the movement of my left hand lately.
11. My left hand never actually touches the laptop.
12. But occasionally it hovers near the surface of the mouse pad area, and its subtle movement as I type creates enough of a breeze that it causes my overly-sensitive cursor to jump 10 lines up in the text and words suddenly appear in the wrong spot.
13. After it does this 21,000 times during the writing of one blog post, I feel like blowing my brains out.
14. And the evil bug flying over the screen every 2 or 3 minutes doesn’t help my suicidal mood.
15. I gained 2 lbs on my mini-trip.
16. This also doesn’t help my mood.
17. I could tell that I gained 2 lbs before I even got on the scale because on the way home I noticed my gut hanging over the top of my jeans.
18. That happens when I get to this certain weight, exactly 5 lbs over my M.A.W.
19. I hate that. When my flab hangs over my jeans.
20. When I reach my M.A.W., it magically disappears.
21. I swear I’ve been yo-yoing the same 3 lbs for 6 months.
22. I was doing so well before my mini-trip.
23. Now those 2 lbs I lost are back.
24. I need to do something serious to drop below my M.A.W.
25. I am so sick of being at this weight.
26. I am seriously considering Alli.
27. I think occasionally crapping my pants might be worth it.
28. Because only looking slightly disgusting just doesn’t seem to be enough to motivate me to diet and exercise long enough to get there.
29. So maybe spontaneously soiling myself in public will.
30. I put Halloween away today.
31. As you know, I love to decorate for Halloween.
32. Someone told me that someone else said something disparaging about my outdoor Halloween décor.
33. It made me sad. And insecure about my outdoor Halloween décor.
34. And that makes me mad, that they’ve robbed me of the joy I used to feel in my Halloween décor.
35. Maybe by this time next year I’ll forget.
36. Or maybe I’ll just say, “Screw you. I LIKE it.”
37. But I value this person’s opinion, so probably not.
38. I also love to decorate for Christmas.
39. At least I have that to look forward to.
40. We caught Said Mouse!
41. After a few days without baiting the traps (to get Said Mouse nice and hungry), Big Daddy wedged a piece of cheese in the trap so tight that Said Mouse would HAVE to tug on it to get it out.
42. Day 1: Cheese still there. No mouse.
43. Day 2: Cheese still there. Said Mouse renamed Dead Mouse.
44. Daphne wanted to examine Dead Mouse.
45. I kept screaming, Don’t Touch It!!!
46. Daphne wanted to know who could make it alive.
47. I told her no one, it was dead.
48. Daphne told me, “Yes! Jesus can!”
49. I hate it when she’s smart like that.
50. I told Daphne that Dead Mouse wouldn’t be resurrected for a long long time.
51. Daphne asked, “When my kitty dies and goes to heaven, can I get a mouse?” (All future pet acquisition rests on the demise of our current pet, you see.)
52. I told her yes.
53. I hope that cat lives to a ripe old age.
54. I don’t really need any more mice running around my house.
55. I did P90X this morning.
56. I also ate 3 chocolate chip cookies because I had to make them for Daphne’s preschool and I just couldn’t resist.
57. I hate that I ate 3 chocolate chip cookies when I so desperately want to lose this weight.
58. Where is my willpower???
59. Where is my Dexatrim?
60. (Does Dexatrim work? )
61. (Someone please tell me if it does. I might buy stock.)
62. I probably won’t blog about Vegas.
63. There isn’t that much to tell.
64. I’m sorry that I haven’t read a lot of your blogs lately.
65. It’s me, not you.
66. I’ve been busy lately.
67. We’re building a shed.
68. I have been priming and painting in every spare minute.
69. I am at least 4 episodes behind on my Dancing With The Stars and 3 behind on my So You Think You Can Dance.
70. You know I am seriously short on free time when that happens.
71. I probably have 2 more days of priming and painting before I will have free time again.
72. I promise I will read your blog regularly again soon.
73. Please don’t take it personally.
74. You’re so generous to keep commenting on my blog as much as you have even though I haven’t been very reciprocating.
75. That’s more of a hint than a thank you, actually.
76. I have a compulsion for buying new clothes for my kids.
77. I love to shop end of season sales to get next year’s clothes at really good prices.
78. I spend way more money on their clothes than on my own.
79. I wish I could shop for myself without guilt.
80. But I can’t.
81. So I shop for my kids to satiate my shopping hunger because at least I can justify it; they grow out of their clothes every season. I only grow out of my clothes when I'm pregnant.
82. The cops emailed me.
83. They are still watching my neighbors.
84. They even pulled their trash but didn’t find enough evidence for a warrant.
85. I still see drug deals go down every few days.
86. I can’t wait for the day that I see blue and red lights out there instead of cars constantly coming and going.
87. Fall daylight savings is a gyp.
88. Everyone talks about how great it will be to sleep in an extra hour.
89. Tell that to my 4 year old.
90. Her body wakes her up at the same time, regardless of what the clock says.
91. I’ll take Spring Forward any day.
92. I really like Trident Tropical Fruit gum.
93. In the orange package.
94. You should try it.
95. I also like Rubio’s.
96. I’m pretty much addicted.
97. Their grilled gourmet mahi taco is to die for.
98. I eat one at least once a week.
99. It’s 11:27pm. I should go to bed.
100. I’ve got a hot date with an evil flying bug.

Obligatory Halloween Post

I am happy to say that we had the highest turnout of trick-or-treaters in the seven Halloweens we've lived here. Yay! I actually went through all my candy. I even bought a spare bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, just in case, and I ended up opening them and using all of them. Wait, that sucks now that I think about it! I was hoping to have to snack on them because they were left over. BUT I am happy to see my previously super-lame neighborhood finally get their act together on Halloween. (I think we had about 30 kids. That's good for the ghetto, where you're just as likely to get crack rocks in your sack as Snickers.)

As for my kids, they had a blast. They were both old enough to "get it." Miraculously, Daphne didn't walk into any houses this year! Beck, on the other hand, walked into two. Once he made it all the way back into the master bedroom at before we realized he wasn't on the doorstep with us anymore. Oops! Sorry about that, Neighbor.

We also hit double the houses this year. I could have gone on all night, and I'm sure Daphne could have too, but Beck petered out after 2 streets, up and down. Killjoy.

So, here are my lovely kids. (Oh and you may notice that they are dressed opposite to the way that 90% of you voted. As it turned out, they were out of the cowgirl costume I wanted in Daphne's size, and we decided it was unlikely that Beck would sport the braids in the Indian brave costume, so we went with the black and white cowboy and Indian squaw theme instead.) Beck, always so astute and p.c., announced at several houses, "Cowboys SHOOT Indians!" Thanks, Son. Now grab your M&M's and let's go.




Sadly, I packed up the Halloween decor today. Goodbye tombstones. Goodbye skeleton bones. Goodbye jack-o-lanterns and fake blood and spiders and webs. I'll see you in 10 months, 26 days.

Back To Life, Back To Reality

We (meaning me, Big Daddy, and our friends, uh, "Burt" and "Cher" "Brawlings"--all names have been changed to protect the innocent. That is, the guilty who called in sick to work--winkwink) took an impromptu trip to St.George and Lost Wages this last postweekend (it was Sunday through Tuesday, so techincally not the weekend). It was wonderful. But I'm too exhausted from all the partying we did to blog about it right now. It's a whopping 9:01pm and I think I'm going to head to bed and sleep off all the fun. So until I get time to blog for reals about it, I'll leave you with this fun image we spotted just outside Vegas. Be sure to read the license plate.

38 Things For 38 Years

Dear Big Daddy...

1. You are incredibly generous.
2. You are a fantastic father. You are the first to offer to change a diaper or get up with a sick kid. I sooo lucked out on that one.
3. You love to nap just as much as me.
4. You have sexy legs.
5. You are super smart. When we got married, I thought we were about even. But now I realize that you are far and away smarter than I am.
6. You look great in skates (and move well too).
7. You are so inventive and a brilliant entrepreneur.
8. Everyone likes you. Everywhere you go, whether you are the boss or the uncle or the home teacher or the employee, everyone loves Big Daddy. You are just so likable.
9. You are a really good driver. That would have been a deal breaker for me when we were dating. I was not about to marry someone who drove like a grandma.
10. You are a good dresser.
11. You never shirk your responsibilities.
12. You rarely say a bad thing about another person.
13. Your Photoshop editing skills are, I dare say, the best in the entire state. No lie. You are a genius in that program and it comes in so handy!
14. You are kind.
15. You are so willing to better yourself. You may not admit it during a fight, but I always see you trying harder to change after you get criticism.
16. You have the best butt ever.
17. Your pop culture trivia knowledge is nearly unsurpassed, especially 70’s and 80’s.
18. You cook fantastic fajitas. And more than that, you are at home in the kitchen.
19. You are super talented. There are so many things you can do that I’m still finding them out after knowing you for 10 years.
20. You are dedicated to your family. Both the one you grew up with and the one you have now. There is nothing you wouldn’t do for us.
21. You are an extremely hard worker. “Slacker” is a word you have never been called (well, not since high school). When you do something, you do it 100%.
22. You have great taste. Whether in clothes or music or cars, you always know what’s cool.
23. Not to belabor the physical attributes, but you’ve got these big meaty hands and feet that I absolutely love. They’re so strong and manly.
24. You are creative.
25. You have a strong testimony of Jesus Christ.
26. You are an amazing lover.
27. You have great taste in movies. It may not seem that important, but trust me, being married to someone who loved movies you hated or who hated movies you loved would make date night very lame.
28. You always smell good.
29. You have this great crooked smile. It reminds me of Harrison Ford. Hubba hubba.
30. You pick up my slack without complaining.
31. You pay attention to little comments I make about things I like and remember them so I always get the most thoughtful gifts.
32. You never complain about how much money it costs to take me out to eat because you know that it’s my favorite thing.
33. You are an absolutely silent sleeper. (This also would have been a deal breaker for me.)
34. You have a very artistic eye. I rely on your opinion on decorating and color more than I rely on my own.
35. You will hold my hand in public. That one has been a work in progress, but we’ve come to the point where you don’t mind a little PDA now and then.
36. You are active without being overly active. I think it would be hard to be married to someone who was go-go-go all the time since I’m not. We’re about the same energy level and I really appreciate that about you.
37. You forgive me when I curse on the golf course or throw a fit after a bad shot.
38. (I have to stop already??) You love me for just who I am. That kind of unconditional love is amazing in this world. I know that despite my mistakes, annoying habits, messy house, overspending, fidgeting during movies, stealing the covers, and all the rest of it… You will always love me. Thank you.

Sweetie, your 38 years on this planet have made you an amazing man. I am a lucky woman to have you. Happy Birthday. And here’s to 38 more. I love you.

-Wifey

Happy Devil's Night!

Don't know what Devil's Night is? Well, if you live in Detroit and you're lucky, your car might get egged. If you live in Detroit and you're not lucky, your car might get keyed. If you live in Detroit and you don't sit outside with a shotgun on October 30th, your house might get burnt to the ground. Why? 'Cause we Michiganders know how to paaaartay.

And now I'll leave you with a happier thought. The only vandalism here was committed against pumpkins. (click to enlarge)



p.s. Bonus points if you can tell me which 1997 movie set in the Detroit area made reference to Devil's Night. (No fair looking it up!)

Beds

Hard or Soft?



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Mighty Mouse

Last week I opened my baggies and plastic wrap drawer and out jumped a mouse. I'm not afraid of mice. But still, having one jump out at you from your baggies and plastic wrap drawer can be startling. I screamed. And then I laughed. And then I had to explain to my children, who came running, why I had screamed and laughed. And then I had to take them on a tour of the entire kitchen and living room to show them that really had no idea where the mouse had gone after that. (Daphne wanted to befriend him and name him Snanu. I'm not making that up.)

Next I found droppings in my baggies and plastic wrap drawer. Why the mouse had chosen to hang out and poop in that drawer is beyond me. There isn't anything slightly edible in there. So I washed out that drawer, sprayed it with bleach disinfectant, and put all the baggies and plastic wrap back in.

The next day I opened a nearby drawer, a sort of catch-all drawer containing things like birthday candles, chip clips, wooden skewers, and matches. I found more mouse droppings mixed in among the detritus of my cooking adventures. And candle shavings. What are candle shavings, you ask? Candle shavings are what's left after a mouse chews up a candle. Why Said Mouse had chosen to hang out and poop and eat candles in this drawer, I don't know. There are cupboards and drawers all over kitchen containing delectable items like chips, crackers, cereal and Peanut M&M's. And the counter at the time had brownies, cookies, and corn bread on it. But he hadn't touched that stuff. He had gone straight for the green, waxy candle. I thought this mouse must have brain damage.

Usually Flossie, my cat, is an excellent mouser. But this mouse seemed to be giving her some trouble. Flossie had haunted the corner of my kitchen where the mouse droppings had been spotted for two days. Then she had hung out in the corner of the dining room behind the radiator for a day or two, just staring. Next she staked out the little gap in the floorboards behind the living room TV. But she never seemed to be able to catch Said Mouse. I was beginning to think Said Mouse was more cunning than I had previously believed.

So I took matters into my own hand and bought mouse traps.

Day 1: I put the mouse traps, baited with peanut butter, in the two favored kitchen drawers (both of which had been revisited, if excrement is any sign). The next day? Both traps were licked clean. No mouse.

Day 2: I put new bait in the traps--peanut butter with a big chunk of hard bread smooshed down in it. I figured this way the mouse would have to tug at the bread, thereby setting off the traps. The next day? Both traps licked clean. No mouse.

Day 3: I went back to the store to get a different kind of trap. The kind with the super sensitive hair triggers. The kind that make me cringe in fear just setting them up. I baited them with cream cheese covered in peanut butter. I'm pretty sure that equals ambrosia in mouseland. I set up trap #1 on the kitchen counter, trap #2in the drawer, trap #3 behind the TV, and trap #4 next to the radiator. And this morning? Well, I'll let the pictures speak for themselves...

BEFORE

AFTER

Worried, were you? Thought you were going to be forced to look at the mutilated body of a brainless mouse? Oh no. Not this mouse. This mouse is smart. Cunning. Crafty. And he has a sense of humor. Because as I was standing there staring dumbfounded at mousetrap #3 this morning, Said Mouse jumped out from his hole in the floorboards and trotted right past me. He didn't scurry. He didn't run. He moved like he knew just what he was doing...heading to get his breakfast from mousetrap #4.

I think this mouse is messing with me. And liking it.

Game on, Snanu. Game on.


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