As I lay in bed this morning, reworking, for the 80th time, my Best Actress Oscar acceptance speech, I realized what was really missing from last night's Oscar awards ceremony: my opinion on everything. So I'm trying to do my duty now, to complete your Oscar experience.
There are spoilers ahead. So if you haven't watched your DVR'ed Oscars yet, it might be too late to make your predictions after you read this post. Just warning you.
Best Picture: The Hurt Locker. To be fair, I haven't watched the whole thing. I watched about 20 minutes of it on my way to St. Thomas, but then my Ambien kicked in and I'm pretty sure I started having a conversation in Chinese with the guy next to me. Who was not Chinese. And who might have been a girl. At any rate, I don't recall ever finishing the movie. Come to think of it, I don't recall what I did with my portable DVD player. But back to my point... I kind of feel like the first 20 minutes of a movie should blow you away (Hahaha! GET IT? BLOW you AWAY? As in, like, bombs?! Oh, I crack me up.), and, well, it didn't. So I guess I should finish watching the movie before my judgment on this will carry the weight of my usual post-Oscar recap pronouncements. But for right now, I'm saying, "Really?"
Best Actor: Jeff Bridges. I also didn't see this movie. But I like Jeff Bridges. And I think he's a good actor. And he's been doing movies since before I was in the womb, so I guess it's high time he got his Oscar. What I don't understand is why, after waiting 95 years for an Academy Award, his speech was so awful! Preparation, Man! And by the way, stop ending every sentence with, "Man." This isn't the 70's, Man!
Best Actress: Sandra Bullock. I kind of figure the same thing about Sandra Bullock that I figured about Jeff Bridges. She's been in the business a long time, and they figured they'd better give her that Oscar when she's actually doing a movie about something other than being the insecure and/or petulant, semi-comedic love interest. Not that it wasn't a great movie. It was. But her performance could be summed up in four words: Southern accent, don't' smile. I will give her this, though, GREAT SPEECH. Very funny. I like funny in my Oscar speeches. Also touching. I like touching in my Oscar speeches too. Not bawl my-eyes-out touching. Like Halle Berry's Oscar speech. All that sobbing was kind of embarrassing. Everyone was staring at me! Just the two-big-tears-rolling-down kind of touching. Well done, Sandra. Well done.
Best Supporting Actress: Mo'Nique. Heck ya! The woman was amazing. Ok, I didn't see the actual movie, but I watched the previews and trailers and Oscar clips a lot, and just from those she blew me away. I predicted this one on my iphone Oscars app (did you know they had one??) and I was actually right about this one, unlike most of my other pics.
Best Supporting Actor: Christoph Waltz. Guess what, I actually saw this one! And I agree with this award whole-heartedly. Christoph Waltz played the creepiest, slimiest, scariest, uber-intelligent villain ever. The kind that does abominable things with a strange sense of humor attached. Yeech. But BRILLIANT.
Best Animated Feature Film: Up. So to be fair, I have only seen two of the five nominated films in this category. So maybe I shouldn't say anything. On the other hand, that hasn't stopped me thus far, so..... I liked "Up." I did. It was cute. I liked The Fantastic Mr. Fox better. A lot better. I wish it had won. But it didn't. I'm not going to cry over it. Well, I might Sandra Bullock cry over it, but I'm not about to Halle Berry cry over it. I didn't like the Fantastic Mr. Fox that much.
Best Director: Kathryn Bigalow, The Hurt Locker. I'm glad a woman won. I'm sorry her dress looked like something from the prom section of Dillards. That's about all I have to say about that.
Best Cinematography: Avatar. This was a no brainer. If you saw Avatar in 3D, you know that it did for 3D film what Jurassic Park did for CGI...blew you away, set a completely new standard for all movies to come. As of now, you can watch a movie while sitting IN the movie. At least that's how it feels. Avatar didn't take very many of the big categories, but it raked in quite a few of the technical ones. And rightly so.
Best Costume Design: The Young Victoria. I know historic pieces are not everyone's cup of tea, but really, everyone should try that cup of tea every once in a while. And this is probably a good one to take a taste with. It was sweet, and charming, and lovely. I was so sad when it was over as I could have easily watched another two hours of it. Anyway, the costumes were beautiful. There were beautiful costumes in several of the other nominated movies as well. I honestly would have been happy if Nine or Bright Star or Coco before Channel had won. But I was very pleased that The Young Victoria won this one and got some Oscar recognition.
And then there are the other categories that are boring and no one cares about. So I'll move right on to the most important category: The Dresses.
If you were paying attention, you would have noticed that the color to wear this year at the Oscars was silver. Beautiful, shiny, liquid metal. I loved it! And though I didn't get a chance to see every dress (I still have to watch the Red Carpet Pre-show and Fashion Police), I can say that so far I saw some of the most beautiful dresses I've seen in years at any awards show, and fewer screw ups than I've seen in a long time too. Every one really stepped it up for this year's Oscars. Nice going, Hollywood!
Sandra Bullock. AMAZING. The color, the fit, the flow, and the beautiful detail on the bodice. A+
Zoe Saldana. It was a bit Rio De Janeiro Carnival on the bottom, but I loved the glitter top. And I loved that she went for a bold color scheme. B+
Anna Kendrick. Although I'm usually not a fan of the nude colored dress, this one was exquisite. It had the most lovely layered ruching on the bodice, and then the flow of the skirt was just perfect. I really liked this one a lot.
Cameron Diaz. She got in on the metallic look and her dress was gorgeous. I loved the crystals and beading. It seems like she doesn't usually go for such a full skirt--she has the body to pull of something much more fitted, but I liked it anyway. A-
Demi Moore. Again, usually not a fan of the nude/blush colored dress. And if it had just been from the waist down, I would have given this a poor review. But the top with the criss cross layers was just amazing. So I give it a B+.
Elizabeth Banks. This one looked way more silver than blue on the stage. And it fit her like a glove. I loved the seams in the bodice. And her accessories (tiny diamond headband) were perfect. A+
Gabourey Sidibe. Beautiful color. Nice cut. It fit her well. I liked a lot about it, but not the appliques. I'm not sure if the designer thought they would distract the eye from her generous figure, but I felt it was a cheap trick and that the dress would have been more beautiful on her without the cheesy flowers. Take those off? Perfect dress for her. B-
Sarah Jessica Parker. I'm not sure if this was vintage or if it just looked vintage, but I loved it. It was a breath of fresh air with all the mermaid dresses and ball gowns. The strip of satin at her neck was just the right touch. A+
Tina Fey. I have watched Tina Fey wear some of the strangest and ugliest dresses to awards shows in the past couple of years. She tends to wear short skirts to formal events and wears colors and fabrics that do not suit her shapely figure (trust me, I know all about dressing a hippy body!), so even though I can't say I would rave about this dress on its own, I find it to be such a huge improvement for her that I had to give her props. A solid B, Tina!
Helen Mirren. Silvery, gauzy, sparkly, perfect. I hate it when older-ish ladies feel like the have to wear a gunny sack (what IS a gunny sack?) to awards ceremonies. Helen Mirren knows how to dress glamorously despite her age. (Barbara Streisand and Meryl Streep, take notes!) A
Queen Latifah. HOLY MOLEY, that woman looked HOT! She seriously looked amazing, and that dress showed off her body perfectly. The rose color looked amazing with her butterscotch skin tone. Loved it. A
I think my award for Best Dressed goes to Sandra Bullock.
And now for the Not So Special category.
Maggie Gyllenhaal. I am just not into patterned evening gowns. This one was a beautiful fit and suited her body well, but the blue camouflage thing just wasn't doing it for me. C+
Kathryn Bigelow. As I said before, this dress just looked so "off the rack." Like something you'd see a girl wear to prom. She got the color right (metallic) and the fabric is nice on the bottom. But the top is just so ordinary.
Meryl Streep. I think she is just beautiful. And she has an amazing figure, especially for her age. So every awards show I get excited to see what she'll wear, but then she wears these baggy, frumpy, Bea Arthur dresses. I wish just once she wouldn't try to look like draperies! C-
Carey Mulligan. Another thing that bugs me is short skirts at black tie events. It's the Oscars! Wear a full-length dress! Besides that, it was just kind of forgetable. C
Rachel McAdams. I am pretty sure my mom has made curtains or pajamas (or probably both) out of this fabric before. The grey camo-meets-modern-art is hideous. It reminds me of a motel bedspread. D-
Mariah Carey. Again, short dress, wrong event. Plus, it is just so boring, plain, and forgetable. D
Kristen Stewart. It's not that the dress is bad. It's kind of strange. And choked-looking. But mostly it just doesn't suit her. It's so stark and severe. And she's so young and...blah. I just thought it was a bad match for her. C
Penelope Cruz. Hated it. I thought it did nothing for her tiny, beautiful figure, especially the weird stuff around the top. And the color against the other bold reds looked washed out. C-
Charlize Theron. I actually don't hate the dress except for the boobie swirls. Why, Charlize? WHY? C+
Vera Farmiga. This dress looked like she was being attacked by giant, fuscia cupcake wrappers. AWFUL. F
Diane Kruger. Um....what IS that? F
Molly Ringwald. Molly, Molly, Molly. You know I am a huge fan. But I think you kept that dress from 1989 or something. It is not working for me. Neither is the hair. And the "jewelry" is....what?...Egyptian Shabby? It was your big shot to show the word that you still had it. "HAD" it is right. F
Nicole Richie. First of all, why is SHE at the Oscars??? Secondly, I think she ripped up the berber carpet in my church gymnasium and had a dress made out of it. I do give her props for trying out a different shape than everyone else, but still, D.
Although there were several good nominees for worst dressed, I'm going to have to go with Vera Farmiga and the Cupcake Attack.
What about you? Did you have any surprises or disapointments in the awards category?
Any thoughts on best or worst dresses? Do tell!