Monday, November 10, 2008

The One Thing You Hope Will Never Happen To You Ever.

The trees in my yard are not normal. They are odd. Different. Slow. Autumnally challenged, you might say. Everyone else's trees start to change color in early to mid October. By late October, the leaves from my neighbors' yards on both sides of me have blown onto my yard. Soon their trees are nearly bare. In the meantime, my trees are still bright green and haven't lost a single leaf. By early November, the whole neighborhood is bare. Except my trees. They're still going strong--green and bushy. Then one day in mid-November I will wake up and every leaf on every tree in my yard will have leapt to its death. My car will be covered, the driveway will be covered, the sidewalk will be covered. Every inch of grass within 10 feet of the trees will be covered, 3 inches thick. So then there is no putting off raking. It's an all or nothing occurance at our house. Well, this event took place last night. So today I got out my gardening gloves and rake and prepared to get to work filling 18 gigantic black construction clean-up bags with leaves. Let me stop and point out here that I don't garden like I used to. I really enjoy gardening. But I'm not that good at it. I get really excited about it in the spring, but by late summer I've lost interest. I no longer remember to water or weed or pick. So my garden gets overgrown and weedy and dead. Because of this trend, this past summer I didn't do a garden at all. My gardening gloves sat idle in a little plastic cupboard on my deck for about 5 months. Now back to my story. I got out my gloves and rake to start raking up the leaves today. I have these nice, bright green, suede gloves that I used to garden with. I put one on and tried to work through the stiffness it had from being outside in the cold. And then I stuck my hand into the other one. I felt something soft and wolly inside one of the fingers and I instantly knew, knew in the core of my heart, that whatever was in there was NOT RIGHT. There should not be anything wolly or soft or squishy inside that glove. If it was a wool glove or a cotton glove, you might expect that sort of fuzz. But not in a suede glove. So I shrieked and ripped it off. My heart was pounding as I looked down into the darkness of the middle finger. I could see something white in there. Just like sock fuzz. But I couln't tell what it was. I shook it, and a little bit of white cottony stuff came out. I stared at it wondering what it might be and figured it must just be some random cotton or wool or other unknown substance that would have every reason to be there. Just none that I could think of immediately. Still, the leaves were waiting, so I tried to put the glove on again. This time my finger made it a few centimeters farther. But then it touched more of the strange wolly mass, and my stomach lurched again with the instinctual knowledge that I should not be touching it, whatever it was. Finally, unable to bear the pounding in my chest, I got out a chopstick and started digging. And you'll never guess what came out. A SPIDER NEST. I stuck my finger into a fuzzy cocoon of tiny baby spiders. And their mother. I almost passed out and threw up in one motion. Then I threw the whole thing into the sink and turned the water on full blast. I began dancing around and shaking my finger and screeching as I relived the realization that I'd touched a spider den just a few seconds before. My husband came running into the kitchen, assuming I'd just cut off a finger or something. "Spider babies!" was all I could get out. He seemed a bit alarmed for a second too as he asked me where they were. "In my glove," I panted. "Dead." He looked at me for a moment. "Dead?" he asked. "Oh." Then he rolled his eyes and walked out, like sticking your hand into a web of dead spider babies is any less horrifying than a web of live ones. OK, maybe it is less horrifying. But only by a hair. Still, I wouldn't have thought this was something you had to experience for yourself to catch the magnitude of. But clearly it must be. I heard him mumble something about girls as he retreated to his warm spot on the couch.

To finish the story off (as if anything else matters after a direct encounter with a spider nest), I let the glove stay under the stream of water while I proceeded to beat it steadily with my meat tenderizing hammer. Then I let it dry out slightly. Then I threw it on the sidewalk, sprayed it with hairspray, and lit it on fire. I then had to run for the hose when the carpet of leaves nearby began to burst in to flames. But I got it all under control. The spiders are assuredly dead now. Dead-ER, I guess. My hand has been thoroughly sanitized, scrubbed, held under scalding water, and bandaged. And I will now go and finish raking the leaves. One-handed.

15 comments:

Aimee said...

OK... this post decided it for me. I'm not doing yard work again... never ever. I still have chills after reading this...

Jen said...

Oh My Gosh, that is scary! I do not like spiders dead or alive. I am sorry you had this happen! yuck yuck yuck!!!

Koreena said...

I would've totally FLIPPED OUT!! I would've run so far from that glove no one would've seen me for at least a week! YUCK!! My arm hair is growing just THINKING about it!

Christie said...

This is seriously one of my worst fears. It is the very reason that I stomp on my gardening gloves and then press through the fingers before I put them on my hand. I am terrified of what may be lurking. Thanks for confirming my fears.

MiaKatia said...

This creeped me out!! Ugh my skin is crawling. I do not like spiders one bit. But I will say that coming from Texas where the scorpions are a menace I still shake things like gloves and shoes out before I put them on. Arghhhhhh

gina bina said...

I'm totally crawling now too. I think I swatted an itch on my leg about five times trying to get through that story.

André said...

I'm surprised he didn't want to help with the beating, killing, and burning parts. We're all glad you are still alive so you can keep blogging and keep the rest of us entertained. Thank you for ridding the world of one more spider's nest.

Kristine said...

Yuck! Yea, I would have freaked too!!! I always pinch my gardening gloves, each finger separately, and shake it out before I put them on! hehehe...

rachel said...

I just had a heart attack reading that story! I am such a freak: I even check my shoes if they have been in the back of the closet too long before I put them on....

McKell said...

I Love that you lit it on fire.... just be sure they were truly dead.
That made me giggle, but everything else about that story makes me want to take a serious shower. I'm itchy all over.

CaraDee said...

My eyes immediately jumped to "nest of baby spiders" and I decided I'd better not read it last night before bed. SICK Arianne. SICK.

Holly said...

OMG! I would have died. I have the biggest fear of spiders and because of this started making my husband "De-spiderize" ( ya I made that one up..lol) things before I pick them up or go through them. All shoes I dig around in with a pen, blankets that were left out in the basement, and in my old house, check the tupperware cupboard with a poison spray.

I have SERIOUS spider issues, so another reason why I don't garden!

Mindi said...

HOLY SHIT.


seriously.

HOLY SHITSHITSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i would have to go in for therapy. are you experiencing post-traumatic stress syndrome?

Chelsea said...

EEEEEEEEKKK!!!

alex dumas said...

You and all of your followers need serious help with your spider anxiety. Or maybe it's me that needs help, because I am fascinated by a spider's nest. I would have carefully cut the glove open and checked it out.