Saturday, April 17, 2010

April Showers -- of Poop

I washed the cars today. Both of them. By hand.

Because it is April. And that is when The Birds arrive.

We have a spot in the he driveway that is under the overhang of a tree. The tree is WAY WAY up there, so you don't really see it or think about it. Until your car is covered with enough poop to make it look like it has been parked inside an aviary. For a month.

However, it actually happens within minutes of parking there. It's like The Birds hold their bowels all day, waiting for you to park and walk off so they can unleash a barage of excrement like napalm on Saigon.

But you can't really park anywhere else on that side of the driveway. Too far forward and you block the sidewalk. Too far back and you risk your car getting bashed by me the other person as they back out through the narrow gate.

So you park there and hope for the best.

(But your hope will be dashed by a ton of bird poop. Very shortly.)

So I washed both cars today.

And before I could get back around from the left side of the Mini Cooper, which I had just finished washing, to the right side, to dry it off, the right side had been shat upon again.

I'm considering taking up archery. Or poison-dart making. Or at least learning how to shoot small, sharp rocks through a straw. Because I swear if I see a bird sitting anywhere near the two cars that are huddled in terror over on the far side of the driveway, they are dead meat. The Birds, that is. Well, and the cars too, I guess. The Birds have deadly aim. And a steady diet of black berries and green slime, it appears.



Hildie said...

I was always amazed when we had chickens how constantly they pooped. I guess if we spent all day long eating like they do we might be the same. No, probably not.

Kristina P. said...

Don't you hate that stupid Murphy and his law?

just call me jo said...

You have the satisfaction of knowing they were clean once. It's the thought that counts. You "done" good, yeah!

Kay said...

They only came as freshly washed cars (especially when done by hand)sends out a special signal to all birds: HELP, I'm too clean... I need to be dirty!

After all, they are the fastest way to get dirty unless you are going to go down a dirt road right after some rain.

CaraDee said...

"Shat upon". lol

Megan said...

We have tHat problem as well, but the whole driveway is canopied by 2 trees. I've thought and said the same thing about the birds ability to wait until a car is there. If it weren't true than why isn't Jeff's side of the driveway covered in poop from the truck being gone all day? And why don't the kids and I get plastered in poop when I move the car so we can play on the driveway? ( I'm actually okay with that one.)

alex dumas said...

Shat = great word. No garage?

Anonymous said...

Sad day. But funny for the rest of us.

You can get throwing stars for a decent price at Army stores.

Omgirl said...

Alex, sadly, no. Our house pre-dates automobiles!

(And the 1970's housing boom took over our formerly giantic yard, so no room to build one now either).

Mia said...

I am all for the bb gun. You don't have to kill them just scare them over to your neighbors yard.

Aimee said...

This post made me laugh out loud... I sooo feel your pain! I'm convinced the birds eat next door, but come to our house to poop. Our driveway, deck/patio, and sidewalks are always covered in bird crap... the neighbor's - not a drop. One of these days, in the black of night, I'm planning on stealing all 12 of the bird feeders in my neighbor's backyard.