Dr. Dontlittle

I hate the zoo.

(There, I said it. )

This is pretty hard for an animal lover like me to admit. But it's true. I finally just realized it today. I always thought I liked the zoo, but I think I have just been brain-washed into thinking I did. Because today, after taking my kids to the zoo, I had the decidedly strong feeling that I don't want to do that again for a LONG LONG time.. I hope my kids didn't have that great of a time, either, because they're not likely to see the zoo again until they're getting ready to go to college. Or untiil I suffer enough short-term memory loss to forget how much I hate going to the zoo.

I liked the zoo as a kid. We went to the Detroit Zoo often, a large and well-done zoo, I thought. And I liked the zoo as a young adult. I didn't go often, but when visiting my nieces and nephews (prior to having my own kids), I always liked to take them. But since having my own kids, I've begun to realize that the zoo sucks. I'm not sure if it's all zoos or just the Hogle Zoo. I really think it's just zoos in general. But here is why I hate the zoo:

1) It's a lot of pushing around strollers and lifting up kids. Trying to keep track of them, keep them from running off, keep them from eating the duck food that is left in the duck food dispensers that look all too much like gumball machines. Keeping them from knocking on every single snake enclosure. Keeping them from drinking the swan pond water. Keeping them from becoming human experiments as to just how domesticated the bears really are. It's tiring.

2) It's hot. You would think mid-60's was perfect zoo weather. I have thought that for at least the last 3 times I've gone. But it's not. It's way too hot for the zoo. All the walking, pushing, retrieving, and yelling at of kids causes your body temperature to rise an addition al 15-25 degrees, making the mid-60's feel more like the low 100's, which is, obviously, an insane temperature to walk around the zoo in. You would think I would have learned my lesson by now. But clearly I haven't. Every time it cools down in the fall or warms up in the spring, I think "Hey, the weather is perfect for the zoo!" and I go there to roast myself. AGAIN.

3) The animals are bums. They're just plain lazy, underachievers. I'm sorry, but it's the truth. I've never seen such a slovenly, boring, anti-social group of animals. Don't they know that monkeys are supposed to swing around on those plastic vines and hollar at the visitors? Don't they know that snow leopards are supposed to leap through the enclosure and roar? Don't they know that crocodiles are supposed to slither along the concrete rivers, ripping fish and ducks to shreds? Don't they know that elephants are supposed to lift up those big fiberglass logs and toss them in the pond? And don't the penguins know that that it is typical penguin behavior to actually ENTER the water, not stand around on the paper mache rocks right outside the zoo keeper door waiting for him to come back??? Seriously, someone needs to work on teaching the animals how to be more entertaining.

4) Zoos are way too p.c. these days. I'm sure Mr. Tiger really enjoys his ergonomically, ecologically, zoologically correct grassy highland habitat. But it sucks for me. All it gives me is nice wide view of trees and weeds. Trees, weeds, and the underwater viewing area that Mr.Tiger has surely never set one tiny part of his paw in. But by all means, keep pleasing P.E.T.A., but in 10 years when every zoo animal has an enclosure that looks just like Kenya, the ailses of the zoo will be a ghost town. And then they'll have to close all their doors and send all the animals to the circus and the glue factory. Mr.Tiger will be SO happy jumping through hoops of fire, I'm sure. In the meantime, I'll just point out yet another furry blob in the darkest corner of the enclosure and try to convince my child it is a real animal, just a different color than the last furry blob.

5) There are no plastic lids or straws allowed at the zoo. ARE THEY KIDDING ME??? The zoo is a place for CHILDREN. Children need lids and straws. I'm sorry. So the animals might choke on a straw. But I paid $28 for that zoo t-shirt and I don't want it covered in Hawaiin Punch 3.5 seconds after giving my child a lidless drink. Come on, zoos. Have some pity on my kids' overpriced clothing!

6) There are no escalators or moving walk-ways. There is a lot of walking at the zoo. And honestly, I would appreciate a little help getting around. In fact, a tram through the zoo, or something like those jeeps on Jurassic park, would be a great improvement on the whole zoo experience.

In conclusion, let me just say that I really do like animals. But if they're going to lay around being lazy, and stay in dark corners, and not make a single sound all day, and if the zoo staff is going to make me eat $12 chicken nuggets with $4 lidless drinks, I think I'll just stay home. There's always the Discovery Channel, right?