Monday, August 18, 2008

Ice Age: The Melt Down


I know there is a lot of talk lately about global warming. And I happen to know from first hand experience that it is true. I'll give you some proof:

The Boise River. We floated the Boise River the other day. In case you haven't done it before, let me give you the run-down: You get in a raft with a slow leak in it. This part is not necessary, but it makes the experience a lot more exciting. Then you get an active 3 year old and strap her into a life jacket (to maximize her irrition) and put her inside the 6 foot long 3 1/2 foot wide raft for several hours. Then you get only one paddle to stear with--this also makes the trip more interesting--a few bottles of water, some granola bars, and a ziplock bag with your brand new cell phone in it (oh, and incidentally a minute hole too small to see), and launch into the river just above downtown Boise. Things will be slow and calm at first. You'll appreciate the flora and fauna for a few minutes--long enough to lull you into a false sense of warmth and security. But then the first small rapids will come into view. Under normal circumstances, you needn't panic. But because you have a 3 year old with you who has watched too much Dora and Diego rescue shows, she will see the upcoming rapids and start screaming WATERFALL!!! and trying to jump ship. This is the point at which you'll be able to validate global warming. Because as your under-inflated raft hits hits the deep groove in the water caused by giant submerged bolders, it will fold in half, causing the person in front (you, most likely) to launch backwards into the back of the boat and large amounts of frigid water to fill the bottom of the boat, about 6 inches deep. But don't worry. It'll only feel cold for a few seconds. After that you'll lose feeling in your feet entirely. Soon even that won't matter because you'll start to notice a large throbbing lump on the back of your head. You'll wonder how you got it for a moment. Then you'll remember feeling pain for a split second as you were flying through the air back at the rapids. And while you are trying to figure out where that pain came from, your husband will confess that he whacked you with the paddle. Why did he whack you with the paddle? Because he held the paddle over his head in a manly, triumphant pose as you were going over the rapids. Only the deflated raft caused him to lurch forward at the exact same moment you were being catapulted backwards. Head, meet Paddle. All this will soon be a thing of the past, however, as another set of small rapids approaches, and you have to quickly dump all your good water from your water bottles in order to bail out the water at the bottom of the boat so as not to sink when you hit the first big swell. Naturally, your 3-year old will want to abandon ship again, and you'll have to tie her to your waist to keep her on board. But your quick bailing will have paid off, and you will not sink. Your 3 year old will stay on board, and, aside from being thirsty for the next couple of hours, you won't notice much. Particularly from the waist down. Occasionally your three year old will comment on the various bugs and debris in the icy water you're stewing in, and your husband will continuously stear you directly into the trees and bushes hanging off the shore at the river's edge. But all this won't bother you much as the subzero temperatures will have cooled your blood enough to send you into a numb stupor. And the best news of all is that there will barely be any air to drain from the raft when you finally drag it to shore a few hours later. Bonus! Oh, and the cell phone you brought with you in case there was an emergency with the baby you left at the neighbor's house? Don't worry. It'll dry out in a few days and most of the buttons will continue to function.

Anyway, I think it's clear from this story that the polar ice caps are indeed melting and they are flowing directly into the Boise River. So don't let those crazy radicals try to convince you otherwise. I've been there and felt the proof. And I have a phone that won't dial 2 or 8 to prove it.

4 comments:

jennie w. said...

Hilarious! We have the same thing on a river here. I never thought about taking Ada. Scary!

devri said...

I thought I was crazy, Lady- you crazier than me!!! Was it fun though?

Omgirl said...

Actually, Jennie, it wasn't all that bad. I exaggerated most of it for literary effect. In reality, she loved it and it was a blast. So take Ada!

Tiburon said...

You crack me up. That sounds like the stuff dreams are made of. No 2 or 8 eh?