Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Dog Owners Of the World, Unite!



Perhaps this post is jumping the gun just a little since neither my husband nor my cat has given me permission to get a dog. If I got one anyway, it would be a toss up as to who would be more mad and make me suffer for it more. I'm leaning towards the cat. But it's inevitable, I think--the dog getting, that is. I can feel it in my bones that someday I will have a dog. But I'm going to be super picky about it and have several stipulations that my future-dog will have to meet first. So I'm starting the planning now. And I need your help. Having never had a dog, and not having spent large amounts of time at any dog shows or in dog bars or anything, my knowledge of how to pick up on a good dog is very limited. Please enlighten me with your canine knowledge and help me figure out what kind of dog to get. In the future, that is. Maybe.

Stipulation 1) Future-Dog cannot have smelly fur. My number one complaint about dogs is when I pet them and then my hand reeks. Unfortunately, this one rules out a good portion of dogs, especially some of my favorie breeds. I really like PitBulls and Boxers, both stinky-furred. Golden Retrievers and Labs are probably too common for my taste, but they are both attractive and friendly. But also stinky-furred. Can't do stinky. Ick. Gross. Let's move on.

Stipulation 2) Future-Dog cannot have smelly breath. I'm not sure if this one is actually more of an issue of dog dental hygiene or breed. Do they make really awesome doggie toothpaste or doggie mouthwash? And if so, is it mint or meat flavored? Or do I just have to find a kind of dog that has bred the hallitosis out?

Stipulation 3) Future-Dog cannot be a huge shedder. I have allergies to cats and dogs. My magic medicine has cured some of that. But the less hair the better. Plus, I don't need to clean up any more hair than Daphne, Flossie, and I already shed. My vacuum would run into a corner and cry.

Stipulation 4) Future-Dog cannot be a big barker. I don't mind a dog who gives out a few yelps at the presence of, for instance, a serial killer in my house. But no yippie, barky, howly-all-nighty dogs.

(Are any of your dog breeds still standing up to this doggy job interview? Or have I already crossed into the realm of make-believe and/or robotic dog breeds?)

Stipulation 5) No dogs small enough to get kicked or crushed accidentally as I walk through the house with a big basket of laundry obscuring my view. I prefer purposeful dog kicking only.

Stipulation 6) I want a dog that is smart but not too smart. Smart enough to learn to poop only in one designated area of the back yard, but not smart enough to open the fridge and eat my leftovers. Does this come with the breed? Or do I have to try to do puppy IQ tests for that?

Stipulation 7) I'd prefer to spend less on buying this dog than I did on giving birth to my two children. I know that narrows it down a bit, but surely there are some dogs that you don't have to win the lottery to buy. And I'm totally open to shelter dogs, if all the above stipulations are met.

Stipulation 8) The dog variety I end up with must thoroughly enjoy having its eyes poked, ears pinched, fur pulled, tail hung on, and back ridden. Because I'm into all that. And it must prefer being chased around the house 18 hours a day to resting or sleeping in peace.

Ok, I think that sums it up. Now lets hear your suggestions. Anyone? Or shall I start saving up for an Aibo?

12 comments:

tiburon said...

Boston Terrier.

Best.dog.breed.ever.

SOOOOO good with kids. Rarely sheds. He can be a bit of a barker - but the $50 bark collar will cure that quick.

They are the bomb!

rychelle said...

you really are hilarious!

my brother has a min-pin and he is my favorite dog ever (don't tell his other dogs i said that). you won't be able to ride him, but other than that, i think he makes the list.

Brenda said...

You have to go with the Poodle. They don't shed, they're smart and they love kids (when they aren't the kids, like mine.) Doggy bad breath, well, we give our little girl Dingo Dental Treats and no bad breath, you can get those at Target. Now, about the poo (or Millie bombs as we call them) she has her designated area by the compost bin and at night, since we like our sleep, she is trained to go on Puppy Pads - also found at Target. Happy puppy shopping!

Chelsea said...

This is so funny, I was just thinking about this exact topic today! Getting a dog is at the top of my list after we buy a house. I don't really know about breeds, I'm only familiar with setters/retrievers/spaniels since that's what we had growing up. My parents just got a Brittany Spaniel from the shelter and they are in love with him!

jennie w. said...

There are several books about picking the right breed of dog for your family. READ THEM or else you'll end up with a dog fiasco (remember Emma?)

André said...

As I was reading I kept thinking about that robo-dog thing, but apparently you're already there.

jennie w. said...

Just have a baby. They're way better than dogs.

Omgirl said...

Jennie, do those books include whether their fur and breath stinks? Because that's the main issue for me.

Tib, I do like Boston Terriers, actually. They are a good size and good with kids, I hear. I'll have to come over and smell Jake's fur sometime.

Christie said...

Too bad I didn't know you were looking. I could have just given you my dog. My suggestion is that when you do adopt, go to the humane society or another rescue shelter.

Suzie said...

I agree with Brenda - Poodle! We love our Reggie, he isn't yappy, he does let us know when someone is at the door, but other than that he never barks. He isn't hyper, but that probably has to do with being a FAT poodle, LOL! I think EVERY dog stinks and bad breath also comes with the territory. He is great with the kids and even tolerates Jack pulling his hair. Although Jack teases him TOO much and I do have to referee.

Poodles don't shed, another nice thing.

Also, I agree with Christie about the adoption. We got Reggie from Lost Paw's, they do adoption's at Petsmart, he was 5 years old, potty trained, neutered and has a microchip - The best way to get a dog. I don't have the patience to potty/house train a dog.

Sara said...

Ari, I don't think there is such a dog! Except stuffed ones. (He He)

MiaKatia said...

I love your list of stipulations, when you find one that fits them all clue me in and I will maybe possibly consider a doggy for my kids.