The Best Dog Ever Made

I first met Dylan when I was dating my husband. Dylan was his brother Brian's dog. The tallest golden retriever I've ever seen. Half horse, all heart. You've never met a dog like Dylan before. Sweet, patient, obedient, calm, loving. He had these wise eyes. When you would talk to him, he'd look at you like he really understood what you were saying. And he always agreed with you. A dog like that has to be one in a million. If you read about my quest to find the perfect dog, well, Dylan was it. A bit hairy, but the prefect temperament and personality. Honestly, the sweetest dog I've ever met. He got sick recently and went downhill fast. This week he died. I'm sorry I didn't get to say goodbye to him. But this beautiful tribute by Brian and Big Daddy's brother, Chris, almost made up for it.

If you've ever had a dog, or loved a dog, or lost a dog, you might enjoy watching this. Or if you just enjoy bawling your eyes out.

A Dog Named Dylan. By Pro- Slideshow
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" Dogs' lives are short. It's their only fault, really."

The Serial Killer In My House

There is a serial murderer that lives in my house. Yes, here. IN my house. It all started when we started finding bodies. Freshly dead bodies, so we knew the killer couldn't be far. Then one of the victims survived. And that little birdie sang, let me tell you.



And now we know who the killer is. And she sneaks in and out of our house, hiding during the day. Out hunting for victims at night. I've tried to put a stop to it....the blood and gore can be sickening. And when someone comes over and spots a body lying under a piece of furniture or stashed in a corner, it really can be quite embarrassing. But she just doesn't seem to understand it when I tell her it's not alright with us to use our home as her hideout and to stash the bodies here. She'll go for months without any incident. And then we'll come home to this....



So I'm going to out her, right here and now. THIS, my friends, is the killer:

Flossie The Cat. Alias, "Kitty."

Oh sure, she looks sweet and innocent. She may be quiet and keep to herself, but she is a killer, rest assured. And her victims come from all walks of life. She doesn't let species or genus deter her. Praying Mantises, mice, birds, crickets, grasshoppers, cicadas, and moths have all been left dead or dying in our house. The ghosts of her victims cry out to us at night, squeaking and banging around upstairs. Or that could be my kids, getting out of bed to go potty. Well, whichever. Still, their tiny voices cry out for vengeance. It's time to put a stop to it. It's time to call The Cat Police...


I think this should do the trick.

Dog Owners Of the World, Unite!

Perhaps this post is jumping the gun just a little since neither my husband nor my cat has given me permission to get a dog. If I got one anyway, it would be a toss up as to who would be more mad and make me suffer for it more. I'm leaning towards the cat. But it's inevitable, I think--the dog getting, that is. I can feel it in my bones that someday I will have a dog. But I'm going to be super picky about it and have several stipulations that my future-dog will have to meet first. So I'm starting the planning now. And I need your help. Having never had a dog, and not having spent large amounts of time at any dog shows or in dog bars or anything, my knowledge of how to pick up on a good dog is very limited. Please enlighten me with your canine knowledge and help me figure out what kind of dog to get. In the future, that is. Maybe.

Stipulation 1) Future-Dog cannot have smelly fur. My number one complaint about dogs is when I pet them and then my hand reeks. Unfortunately, this one rules out a good portion of dogs, especially some of my favorie breeds. I really like PitBulls and Boxers, both stinky-furred. Golden Retrievers and Labs are probably too common for my taste, but they are both attractive and friendly. But also stinky-furred. Can't do stinky. Ick. Gross. Let's move on.

Stipulation 2) Future-Dog cannot have smelly breath. I'm not sure if this one is actually more of an issue of dog dental hygiene or breed. Do they make really awesome doggie toothpaste or doggie mouthwash? And if so, is it mint or meat flavored? Or do I just have to find a kind of dog that has bred the hallitosis out?

Stipulation 3) Future-Dog cannot be a huge shedder. I have allergies to cats and dogs. My magic medicine has cured some of that. But the less hair the better. Plus, I don't need to clean up any more hair than Daphne, Flossie, and I already shed. My vacuum would run into a corner and cry.

Stipulation 4) Future-Dog cannot be a big barker. I don't mind a dog who gives out a few yelps at the presence of, for instance, a serial killer in my house. But no yippie, barky, howly-all-nighty dogs.

(Are any of your dog breeds still standing up to this doggy job interview? Or have I already crossed into the realm of make-believe and/or robotic dog breeds?)

Stipulation 5) No dogs small enough to get kicked or crushed accidentally as I walk through the house with a big basket of laundry obscuring my view. I prefer purposeful dog kicking only.

Stipulation 6) I want a dog that is smart but not too smart. Smart enough to learn to poop only in one designated area of the back yard, but not smart enough to open the fridge and eat my leftovers. Does this come with the breed? Or do I have to try to do puppy IQ tests for that?

Stipulation 7) I'd prefer to spend less on buying this dog than I did on giving birth to my two children. I know that narrows it down a bit, but surely there are some dogs that you don't have to win the lottery to buy. And I'm totally open to shelter dogs, if all the above stipulations are met.

Stipulation 8) The dog variety I end up with must thoroughly enjoy having its eyes poked, ears pinched, fur pulled, tail hung on, and back ridden. Because I'm into all that. And it must prefer being chased around the house 18 hours a day to resting or sleeping in peace.

Ok, I think that sums it up. Now lets hear your suggestions. Anyone? Or shall I start saving up for an Aibo?