Monday, May 3, 2010

A Crazy Irrational Hatred For Birdsong

I am a night owl. Always have been, always will be.

Having young kids has forced this night owl to adapt to being a late evening-owl, however. I'd still rather stay up late and sleep in late. But I don't really get that option. And once sleeping in late wasn't an option, staying up late went out the window real fast too.

When I was in college I lived my ideal schedule: Stayed up until about 3am, slept until at least 10am, if not noon. It's true, I missed out on a good portion of the morning (and on rare days where I had to get up super early, say 9am, I noticed that the world seemed so alive and fresh and golden at that hour. And that I got a heck of a lot more done in a day too). But my body has always ALWAYS wanted to sleep in late, no matter how early I've gone to bed.

Back in those days, when I was a true night owl, my only goal for going to bed was to be in bed asleep before the birds started chirping (which was usually about an hour before sunrise.) That may seem like an obvious goal, to be asleep before sunrise, but at that time it was not at all uncommon for me to be awake when the sun came up. But nothing, NOTHING is so maddening to me, so irrationally irritating to the point of hysteria, as trying to fall asleep when the birds start chirping in the morning. I can't say why it is, but if I hear birds in the morning, I CANNOT go to sleep. Instead I get irate. I want to get up and find a sling shot and bring down every one of those sweet, darling, innocent little birdies. Or at least a big bull horn that makes really loud cat noises. That would scare them away, right?

Why does morning birdsong bring out this blind rage in me?? I'm such a peaceful, animal-loving, tree-hugging type normally. I mean, I'm practically Snow White in the afternoon! Usually all my little squirrel and deer friends bring me my lunch on the couch while the birds and mice press the buttons on the TV remote. (They tend to choose Animal Planet quite a bit). So where does this crazy blood lust in the wee hours come from??

I suspect it isn't so much a dislike for my fine feathered friends as it is a distaste for being conscious before noon. It goes back to the fact that I'm not a morning person. AT ALL. And that the birds chirping their little hearts out reminds me that it is about to be morning, a part of the day which my vampirish body violently shies away from. I don't know. I can't say why it is. But if I am up and start hearing the birds, I am filled with such crazy hatred for tiny fowl that I can only lie in bed fuming. And, you know, fuming is sort of counter-productive to sleep.

The other day one of my kids woke up crying in the night. About 5:30am, actually. I helped him find the potty, use it, get back in bed, and then flopped back in bed myself. And then came the sound I hadn't heard in years....the chirping and singing of happy little birds, getting ready to greet the sun.

Let me just say, it is a VERY good thing that someone invented ear plugs. 'Cause my husband has an airsoft gun. And I know how to use it. Kind of.

Yes, I am a sick, sick woman. I need bird-related therapy. What is wrong with me?!


Hildie said...

You are definitely a kook.

Kristina P. said...

My friend posted something similarly, last week. She has a tree full of birds outside her window, and wants to shoot them.

I'm a night owl too. Which is why I love the fact I don't have to be to work until noon.

just call me jo said...

There are two mourning doves right outside my window that "go off" every morning at 5. We get up at 5:45. So I too resent their birdy little voices. It's kind of funny that you think of yourself as a bird (night owl) when you dislike the feathery creatures so much. Ha!! I crack me up...It takes all kinds t make up the world. I am happiest when in bed by 9:30, read, and asleep by 10. You'd hate that, huh!

Mrs. O said...

And I thought I was a night owl. I haven't routinely stayed up until the birds are out, but it drives me bonkers when they get going at 5 AM.

Tiffany said...

I'm really afraid after having read this that I'm suddenly going to be come conscious of the noisy birds outside. I hope not!

Financial Aid for College said...

Don't get me wrong,
I love the song
of every darling little birdy.

But NOT, you have to understand
at the hour a.m. four-thirty!

(I think it's guilt at my self-indulgent lifestyle.)

kado! said...

ha! that same exact scenario with my youngest happened the other night, only it was 4am and those damn birds were chirping. Seriously what is wrong with them it is TOO early!

veronica said...

I say, "ready, aim, FIRE!"

Anonymous said...

Ha ha, cute. XD

Mia said...

I can't remember the last time I heard a bird in the morning. Although we have a noise machine for the boys to give them some white noise to help them sleep. The other night we had a power outage. When the power flipped back on the noise machine reverted to the first setting which is the rain forest noises. My husband can't heat it at all, but I could hear it just enough (the parakeets or whatever bird noise they are simulating in particular) that it totally woke me up so I went in to their room and switched it back to waterfall.

alex dumas said...

Maybe I'm the only one who likes to hear the birds in the morning. It makes me happy. But my body won't allow sleeping in. Ever.