Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Ok Ladies, (Oh, and Gents? Feel free to check out right now. You might not want to stick around for this one), it's time to talk about Mother Nature's biggest curse to women... Not your period. Um, no, not saddle bags. No! Not PMS. Stop interrupting me! (We do have a lot of curses, don't we?) No, I'm talking about upper lip hair.

I know it's kind of a taboo subject. It's one of those things we like to avoid talking about because it's just too painful. You know, like racial hatred. Or being just like our mothers. Or the fact that we're nearing the last episode of "Lost." But it's time we brought this subject out into the open. So fess up! Do you pluck it? Wax it? Bleach it? LEAVE IT? (Please don't say you leave it. I promise, we can all see it. Pretending it's not there doesn't make it disappear). Or do you go the full monty? LASER.

In the dawn of time, Egyptian women used honey get rid of unwanted hair. Then Cleopatra, who was unbelievably hairy, and kept getting licked by her servants, said, "Screw this mess, y'all!" and she ordered one of her royal honey drippers (that's where the term came from, did you know?) to invent electrolysis. Women gritted their teeth and bore that torture device for another 7000 years until finally someone wonderful invented the laser.

Not only does the laser allow us to point to things on a map we might otherwise have to move closer to point to, it also provides us the chance to throw away our life savings in the pursuit of becoming Mr. Bigglesworth.

Personally, I'm all for using laser. I don't really need heat in my house anyway. Pretty soon my kids' floods will be able to be classified as capris. And food is just SO over-rated.

The only downside I can see to lasering is having the strength to keep from plucking those little dark hairs at the corners of your mouth out before your laser appointment. We all know if you see them, you can't get them out of your mind. "MUST. PLUCK. NOW!!!"

But I figured out a solution for that problem too: Super glue and men's work gloves! First get some over-sized men's leather gloves. Next apply super glue to your whole hands. Put on the gardening gloves and rub them all over to get them to stick. The finger tips are too thick to feel the hairs on your face. And should you catch site of a budding 13-year-old, mullet-sporting, camero-dreaming-of mustache in the mirror, don't worry. The grip with men's work gloves is too clumsy to hold tweezers! And the super-glue will wear off in a few weeks, just in time for your next appointment.

Listen, ladies. I know none of us likes those pesky upper lip hairs. Let's face it, Magnum P.I. never did look very good in a skirt and heels (except that one episode...) So let's all make a vow. NO MORE UPPER LIP HAIRS. Come hell or electrolysis (redundant?), we will be hair free!

(Oh, and gents? If you did manage to read this far, A) good for you. I hope your illusions about women haven't been shattered. B) they laser men's necks and backs too! Join us in our hairless crusade!)



Alyssa said...

love this! I was MORTIFIED when my mother approached me as a teenager to pass along her stinky dipilatory secret. I used that for ages (it doesn't work that great). Nowadays I mostly wax but I have been known to use a crazy process called threading for special occasions like when I'm sick of waxing but it still hurts, they just have a fancier, more exotic process and I'll pluck the pesky off-schedule hairs that crop up between appointments (every 3 weeks or things get scary). I have dreams of getting it all lasered off but fear the whole no waxing in advance thing. No one needs to see me with a full mustache.

Kristina P. said...

I use one of those small eyebrow trimmers on mine. Crazy, I know.

kado! said...


but for my birthday I'm getting brazilian laser hair removal...i.can.not.wait!

I've wasted TOO many hours and TOO many $$$$ at the salon over the past 10 years.

Najma said...

Are you talking about the really fine light colored hairs too? I do have one - only one thick dark hair that keeps coming back on the underside of my chin, but that's the only one, and I do pluck that... but I leave the rest of the fine light hairs to be because I don't notice them. BTW - whatever happened with your bed sheets situation? Do you like the new ones? Did they ever arrive?

just call me jo said...

One hair?? Is that person lucky or what! I wax, I pluck, I've used depilatories. I wish I could afford laser, but I wouldn't want to let it grow to have that done either. How do you know Cleopatra was hairy?

Omgirl said...

Najma, yes, the dark and the fine hairs on my chin and upper lip. Laser technology has come a long way and they can get the light hairs now too.

Mrs. O said...

Thanks to your post I dreamt about getting a lip wax last night. Only something kept coming up and the girl never got around to me. And then I grew a full-on 'stache.

I truly never noticed any hairs until this past year, but once you see them they're hard to miss.

Financial Aid for College said...

Oh, YES! Let the men get their back hair removed! Ugh! Yuck-yuck!

(And yes, I know this whole problem is shallow next to the genocide in Ethiopia and several other places, and someday we will feel stupid for caring.)

Mia said...

Waxing for me thank you! I would love laser, but I can justify a million little purchases that add up to one big purchase, but not that one big purchase on its own.

alex dumas said...

Love the new pic. It's even hotter than the other one.

Cook Family said...

I would love LASER! It just depends on what I feel like doing to take care of the problem.