Ok Ladies, (Oh, and Gents? Feel free to check out right now. You might not want to stick around for this one), it's time to talk about Mother Nature's biggest curse to women... Not your period. Um, no, not saddle bags. No! Not PMS. Stop interrupting me! (We do have a lot of curses, don't we?) No, I'm talking about upper lip hair.
I know it's kind of a taboo subject. It's one of those things we like to avoid talking about because it's just too painful. You know, like racial hatred. Or being just like our mothers. Or the fact that we're nearing the last episode of "Lost." But it's time we brought this subject out into the open. So fess up! Do you pluck it? Wax it? Bleach it? LEAVE IT? (Please don't say you leave it. I promise, we can all see it. Pretending it's not there doesn't make it disappear). Or do you go the full monty? LASER.
In the dawn of time, Egyptian women used honey get rid of unwanted hair. Then Cleopatra, who was unbelievably hairy, and kept getting licked by her servants, said, "Screw this mess, y'all!" and she ordered one of her royal honey drippers (that's where the term came from, did you know?) to invent electrolysis. Women gritted their teeth and bore that torture device for another 7000 years until finally someone wonderful invented the laser.
Not only does the laser allow us to point to things on a map we might otherwise have to move closer to point to, it also provides us the chance to throw away our life savings in the pursuit of becoming Mr. Bigglesworth.
Personally, I'm all for using laser. I don't really need heat in my house anyway. Pretty soon my kids' floods will be able to be classified as capris. And food is just SO over-rated.
The only downside I can see to lasering is having the strength to keep from plucking those little dark hairs at the corners of your mouth out before your laser appointment. We all know if you see them, you can't get them out of your mind. "MUST. PLUCK. NOW!!!"
But I figured out a solution for that problem too: Super glue and men's work gloves! First get some over-sized men's leather gloves. Next apply super glue to your whole hands. Put on the gardening gloves and rub them all over to get them to stick. The finger tips are too thick to feel the hairs on your face. And should you catch site of a budding 13-year-old, mullet-sporting, camero-dreaming-of mustache in the mirror, don't worry. The grip with men's work gloves is too clumsy to hold tweezers! And the super-glue will wear off in a few weeks, just in time for your next appointment.
Listen, ladies. I know none of us likes those pesky upper lip hairs. Let's face it, Magnum P.I. never did look very good in a skirt and heels (except that one episode...) So let's all make a vow. NO MORE UPPER LIP HAIRS. Come hell or electrolysis (redundant?), we will be hair free!
(Oh, and gents? If you did manage to read this far, A) good for you. I hope your illusions about women haven't been shattered. B) they laser men's necks and backs too! Join us in our hairless crusade!)