What's Black and White and Red All Over?

As it turns out, ME. I will be doing an Argentine Tango routine at my dance studio's first annual ballroom showcase. Red roses, black lace, an obscene amount of rhinestones and sequins, and my butt-white skin.

So just in case you're not doing anything tomorrow evening, Saturday, and you live in Salt Lake City or thereabouts, and you like the suspense of wondering whether ameteur ballroom dancers will screw up royally in front of hundreds of people, I know a good activity for you! There will also be a few really good routines done by the professionals in case you aren't into wardrobe malfunctions and forgotten steps.

Come one, come all. And if you are really lucky, I might fall on my head or rack my teacher in the nuts as I slide between his legs. You never know!

Email me if you are interested in coming and I will email you back the details. I don't want EVERY psycho out there to know my business. Only the ones I like.

Dancing With The Stars Review - Week 4

I didn't do a review last week. I was too disgusted. Honestly, this is the least talented group we've ever had. I'm sorry to say it, but it's true. By this time in all the other seasons, there were a lot of 8's, 9's, and 10's. And a bad score was 7's. But this season we are still seeing 4's, 5's and 6's! A lot of them.

And then there's Len. I want to punch that guy in his marble-filled mouth! Why can't he make up his mind? He tells people one week there isn't enough content, then when they add more the next week there is too much. Then the next week they simplify and there isn't enough again. He constantly contridicts himself. I swear the guy has Alzheimers and can't remember by the time he finishes his comment what he said at the beginning.

I also want to duct tape Samantha Harris's mouth shut. She is the most idiotic host of any show EVER. Could she ask stupider questions? NO. She couldn't. Thank goodness for the 30-second fast forward button on my remote!

I'm not going to go through each dance individually tonight. There was a lot of really bad dancing, mostly in the Two Step--you know who you are.

So let me just sum up tonight's show by saying....

CAN'T WE JUST GIVE MYA THE TROPHY ALREADY AND END THE TORTURE???

A Brush With Sort-Of Fame

You know the Brush With Fame Game, right? It's where you and your friends sit around and tell how you met/saw/were in the presence of someone famous at one time or another. Like when I was at Sundance a couple of weeks ago and Robert Redford almost ran over me in his Mercedes Station Wagon. Or when I was in the Kathmandu airport and I stood next to Steven Segal while we filled out our immigration papers. Then you see whose brush with fame was the most impressive (and seeking out a celebrity at a concert or something doesn't count. It has to be random.) And that's who wins.

Well, here's my latest Brush With Fame....ish. My ballroom dance teacher was on So You Think You Can Dance last night and the night before! I know, it's not really a brush with fame. For one thing, he's not actually famous. Yet. He made it through the auditions and on to the Vegas round, and through the first several rounds in Vegas. But they didn't even show his name (although he did get a couple of sound bites). For another thing, he was only my dance teacher once. He got hired on by my other dance teacher, but then he got through the SYTYCD auditions so he stopped working (and I wasn't allowed to know why because the show hadn't aired yet). But still, it's pretty cool when someone you danced with for an hour is on national TV. Maybe he'll make it through to the top 20 and this post will seem a lot more impressive. (Keep your eye out. He's a Polynesian ballroom dancer from SLC named Tony.)

Anyway, anyone else have a brush with fame they'd like to brag about? I'm sure you'll win. Unless Tony WINS So You Think You Can Dance...then I will demand a recount.

Dancing With The Stars Review - Week 2

Last night was a fun night of dancing. And yet I still can't shake the feeling that the scores are overall way lower this season than last. Last season it seemed like lots of people were getting 8's and 9's on the first and second shows, and 7's were the low scores. But this season, so far there are a LOT of 5's and 6's with 7's being considered pretty good. There have only been a very few 8's and 9's. Here's a recap in case you missed it.

Aaron Carter & Karina Smirnoff (Quick Step) - By far my favorite dance of the evening. His Kelly green suit was awesome, her feathery dress was amazing (how can I get one of those), the Muppet Theme Song was a fun choice to dance to, and together it all made for a precise, fun, energetic number. LOVED it. And they got good scores (three 9's) for it.

Kathy Ireland & Tony Dovolani (Quick Step) - This number should have been renamed the Slow Step for them. I swear someone cranked down the tempo on the band for this one because it felt like they were moving in slow motion. That being said, it was a much better dance for her. Her feet more more precise. Her stiffness worked for her in keeping her hold. I liked it. The judges still didn't love it, but I saw major improvement.

Michael Irvin & Anna Demidova (Quick Step) - Good. Not great, not bad. Just good. More personality came out. I think he looked like he was enjoying himself more. But I'm just not digging her, for some reason.


Kelly Osbourne & Louis Van Amstel (Tango) - I think Kelly has some natural dancing ability, but she does seem to be a slow learner when it comes to choreography. That really affected her performance this week as she only had 4 days, not 4 weeks, to get it down. It was sloppy, all over the place, missing steps...I can't say I liked it. But I still hope she hangs in there. She just has something about her that is fun to watch.


Chuck Liddel & Anna Trebunskaya (Tango) - Well, it was OK. That's all. He can do the mad/intense Tango face just fine. But I still say he's not much of a dancer. As for his partner, that dress would have been great for a cocktail party, but just too much tulle for a Tango. I wanted to see some LEGS.


Debi Mazar & Maksim Chmerkovskiy (Tango) - Oh dear. Once again, Debi, you just looked so insecure. Something was wrong--you were mad or in pain or something. It showed on your face. The dancing was shakey. I really really want to like you, but you haven't hit your stride yet.


Donny Osmond & Kym Johnson (Jive) - He deserved his triple 9's. Very good, very fun, very sharp. And I LOVED the purple velvet suit.


Joanna Krupa & Derek Hough (Jive) - Eh. It wasn't as impressive as her Salsa. Jive requires a lot more precision. Your good body won't carry you through on this dance. Derek sort of out-danced her, which is weird when it's the guy doing that. I didnt' love it, didn't hate it.


Louis Vito & Chelsea Hightower (Jive) - Ok, wow. MAJOR improvement. I don't know if this dance just suited him more or if he's gotten that much better in a week. But I honestly felt his first performance was painful to watch, whereas this one was fun, sharp, energetic. I give Louis the MIP (Most Improved Player) award this week.


Mark Dakascos & Lacey Schwimmer (Quick Step) - He's very athletic and sharp. He keeps up and looks good doing it. Lots of personality and showmanship. I still don't think he's dancing at his full potential, though. I look forward to watching that when it happens.


Melissa Joan Hart & Mark Ballas (Jive) - Once again, just sort of average. I am waiting for something about her to wow me. I haven't seen it yet.



Tom DeLay & Cheryl Burke (Tango) - A bit slow and mechanical. But definitely an improvement from last week. I still think he has no business being on the show. And if he doesn't get kicked off soon, it'll be all you damn Republicans' fault!


Natalie Coughlin & Alec Mazo (Quick Step) - She's very good. Smiley, fun, athletic. Her partner really just needs to harness all her physical capabilities and get her technique right. If she doesn't start pointing her toes soon, I'm going to scream!


Mya & Dmitri Chaplin (Jive) - Mya, Mya, Mya. You did me proud, Girl. Sassy, fun, sharp...and so much personality. You really owned that dance. I loved it. And I still say you will probably win this thing.













Gone
Ashley Hamilton





















Macy Gray

Dancing With The Stars Review - Week 1

This is where you realize how entirely pitiful your life is, when you start blogging about not just watching a show or enjoying a show, but making detailed, play by play commentary on a show, like it's real and has any relevance whatsoever to your life. Whatever. So I'm lame. If you are far more intellectual and so above television than I am, move on. And have fun with your intellectual, elitest, entertainment-free prison of a life. As for the rest of you, enjoy my review of Dancing With The Stars, Week 1....

Aaron Carter (Karina Smirnoff) - Have no idea who he is, but he seemed to have some amount of natural rhythm. I think he'll probably do OK. Plus, he has the young vote, which seemed to help Shawn Johnson quite a bit.

Kathy Ireland (Tony Dovolani) - You should be very impressed when I tell you that my dance teacher is super good friends with Tony Dovolani. Cause that makes me just 2 degrees away from being on SWTS. As for Kathy, can you say stiff? She doesn't appear to be completely without rhythm, but she sure is booooring. She would be my top girl pick to leave.

Michael Irvin (Anna Demidova) - Usually the football stars do surprisingly well. But Michael is no Emitt Smith and definitely no Jerry Rice. He does seem to have some dancing ability, but I'm not super impressed yet. On the other hand, he does have personality.

Ashley Hamilton (Edyta Slivinska) - Blech. Glad he's gone (sorry if you didn't know). My husband, on the other hand, will be very, very disappointed. Mostly because his partner was the hottest and also most scantily clad woman on television.

Kelly Osbourne (Louis Van Amstel) - The surprise of the evening, for sure. Some people you can guess that they'll do well, but I had little faith in her, even (especially) after watching the preview "package". she was all over the place in rehearsals. And then she came out and looked so good in her Viennese Waltz and Cha Cha! Her legs were superb.

Chuck Liddel (Anna Trebunskaya) - Chuck? More like upchuck. NOT impressed. Mostly his hair bugs me. And his dancing. And his face. Can you tell I'm not a fan?

Debi Mazar (Maksim Chmerkovskiy) - Poor girl. She is very insecure on the dance floor and has a long way to go. I felt bad for her cause I think they were really hard on her. But I think she has more potential than she is currently showing. I hope she makes it a few weeks cause I could see serious improvements in her future.

Donny Osmond (Kym Johnson) - Wow. I really can't believe he got such low scores. He did so much better than what they gave him credit for. Seriously. Now I don't know how his sister did so well in her season. She was no dancer. It must have been popularity. And that makes me wonder if he'll follow in her footsteps. But so far I think he's the better dancer.


Joanna Krupa (Derek Hough) - Again, who? But at least she can dance. usually the models do pretty badly on the show. But good body + good teacher + some natural talent = she might go pretty far on this show.

Louis Vito (Chelsea Hightower) - Seriously, where do they find these people? What the hell is someone no one has ever heard of, with that little dance capability, doing on a dance show??? I know they want to capture the young vote, but seriously! I hope he gets voted off fast. It was painful to watch. As painful as when I broke my arm snowboarding. Listen, Louis, I'll stay off your mountain if you stay off my dance floor.


Mark Dakascos (Lacey Schwimmer) - I feel like this season has more people I've never heard of than ever before. But at least this guy can dance. I think he will definitely be in the running to reach the semi-finals.


Melissa Joan Hart (Mark Ballas) - Um...I'm not feeling it. Yet. I'm not saying she's bad. But I'm not saying she's that good either. And she seems so DULL. Why is it that some of these actresses just seem so lifeless?



Tom DeLay (Cheryl Burke) - Poor Cheryl. I ditto my comment to you, Tom, that I made to Louis. You stay off my dance floor, and I'll stay out of politics.


Natalie Coughlin (Alec Mazo) - Potential. Serious potential. I might list her up there as one of my top picks to win it. She's got the work ethic, some natural rhythm, good body....yeah, she could go far.


Mya (Dmitri Chaplin) - Mya, Mya, Mya. First you have this amazing clear, pure voice that blows my socks off every time I hear it even though I'm really not into your music. And then you come out with all this grace, elegance, charm....oh my. I see a mirror ball trophy in your future.


Macy Gray (Johnathan Roberts) - When I heard that Macy was going to be on the show, my first reaction was, "Seriously??" Then when I saw her warm-up package, I thought yikes. I could see that she had some rhythm, but she was so tall and gangley. And they put her with the most white-bread, soul-free teacher on the show. Talk about no chemistry. But I was AMAZED when she did that waltz that her arms were fluid and graceful, her feet were tentative, but not awful. I was so pleasantly surprised. And I think if she could be a bit more confident out there, she could end up surprising people for quite a few episodes.

So what are your thoughts? Any performances you liked or disliked? Picks to win it? Outfits you plan on copying for church this Sunday? Do tell!

Dancing Queen Update

I think this is the longest I’ve ever gone w/o getting on the computer AT ALL. Two and a half days!!! Anyway, I’m home. 3.3 hours later than expected due to the fact that I “pulled a Lorie” (i.e. got my flight wrong, something which my mother, Lorie, does every single time she flies. Although we probably would have made our flight, Las Vegas requires no less than 45 minutes ahead check in, so they made us wait for the next flight. LAME.) So, withiout further ado, here is the synopsis of my weekend in Vegas…

1) Big Daddy and I went golfing on Saturday and I GOT A BIRDIE!!! If you don’t know anything about golf, a Birdie is good. Very good. I only have had maybe half a dozen in the 10 years I’ve been playing golf. I average about one per summer, if I’m lucky, so that was a huge highlight of my trip. I know, I know-- you didn’t come here to hear about golf. I’m getting to the dancing part; hold your horses!

2) We went to the “Rising Star” competition on Saturday night. The rising stars are the pre-prefessional level. They are as good as professionals but are still in amateur status. It was amazing to watch. The costumes, the hair, the choreography, the near collisions on the dance floor….awesome. It also made me VERY nervous. Not that I in any way equate myself with these dancers. But just watching how good they were made me realize exactly how sucky I am. True, they’ve been dancing for years and I have only been dancing about 3 months, but I still felt the disparity. It was discouraging. The costumes, however, cheered me up somewhat. Most of them were worth $3000-4000 dollars. There had to have been a quarter million dollars worth of gowns in that room that night! And, oh, the sparkles!

3) I slept about 4 hours. I stayed at the ballroom quite late, watching the dancing, and then I went back to my hotel and fretted all night about how my dances would go, about whether or not I needed to have a good bow (the pros and even the little kids that danced before the pros that night all had these amazing triple spin bows), about waking up on time, etc. I “woke up” (I’m not sure I even really slept) at 4:30am and couldn’t force myself to sleep any more. I finally got up about 5:15 to get ready. Fortunately, adrenaline kept me awake until 11:30 when I finally got to nap.

4) I was relieved when I got to the ballroom, all dressed up, to find that I was appropriately dressed. A nice mix of flashy and whorish, like everyone else. There were a few costumes that were plain, but most were extravagant and sparkly and amazing. I’m also glad I opted out of the facial rhinestones. Not that I wouldn't adore walking around with jewels on my eyebrows for a few hours. But it appears that only the pros go quite that far.

5) Ok, I’m finally getting to the part you’re all waiting for: How I did. Well, my cha cha was up first. I was nervous about that because it’s a fast dance and always makes me winded when I do it in practice. But it went by so quickly and I had so much adrenaline that I didn’t notice it at all. I felt like my cha cha was OK. It is definitely my weaker of the two dances, so I had no expectations of placing at all. Still, I felt like I danced it about as well as I can, so I was satisfied. Next was the rumba. I didn’t do as well at this one as I had hoped. It’s my stronger dance, for sure, and I had felt very confident about it. First place confident. But I did one of the moves out of order and had to do a little shuffle to get back on track, and I noticed one of the judges watching me right as I did that little shuffle. I was sure I had screwed it all up. Anyway, I did my 2 minutes of dancing and cleared the floor for the other dances I wasn’t participating in. After an hour or so, they did the awards. The awards process is CRAZY. They line up everyone who danced and then as fast as they can, they say the name of the heat, the name of the dance, and then they call the first place winner’s name, the second place winner’s name, and the third place winner’s name. They don’t even pause between them. You have to sprint up to get your award and then go back in line for the next round of awards, which has already been announced by the time you get back in line.

Ok, so, how did I do?

Rumba?


Cha Cha?


And what did I win? You already saw it.


Yep, stickers. All my hard work of several months and dozens of hours, my blood, sweat, tears, and blisters were crowned with the fabulous prize of two 1” stickers. Ha! But of course no one goes there for the prizes. It’s all about the glory. And the fun. Both of which were had in large amounts. I was very pleased to have earned 2nd place for my cha cha. I hadn’t expected to even place. I was a little disappointed with not getting 1st for my rumba, but when I watched the video, I could see snippets of who won 1st place and she was definitely better than me. By a lot. By enough that I suspect she was padding her entry level. But whatever. I had a great time.

Thanks for all your well-wishes! Round 2 is in December! Who's up for it???






I didn't get any video footage of my rumba in Vegas. Big Daddy got scolded for taking video right after my cha cha (I guess they want you to pay the $50 for the professional videographer's take), so he had to stick to still pics. So I have included my dress rehearsal version.



Oh, and this is what I had for breakfast today. Raspberry lemon pancakes with vanilla bean whipped cream. It might be the best part about my weekend in Vegas. Nothing ends a two week starvation diet like 1500 calories in one sitting.

I'm Off To See the Wizard

WISH ME LUCK!



.

Dancing Queen

Mia, you're a genious! When in doubt (or in a blogging funk), post pics!

I had a photo shoot with my dance studio on Saturday. We all got dolled up in our dance costumes, put on our whorish make-up, and spent 4 hours having our bodies contorted pics taken by a professional photographer. I don't know when we'll get copies of those pics, but I had the photographer snap a couple shots with my own camera whilst in the ridiculous poses he had me in. Unfortunately, there was some child-related goober on the lense, so all but one of the pics came out fuzzy. This will have to suffice until the professional shots come back....

(oh, how I love the cutlets!)

(One of the dance instructors, Mandy)

(This is not my partner. This is my dance instructor's partner. As in PARTNER, not partner.)



I have just recieved word that I dance at 7:47 and 7:48 am. That's IN THE MORNING, people. Heaven help this night owl. Do you think I will be able manage to apply 8 coats of foundation plus 2 lbs of eye make up plus fake eyelashes at 5 o'clock in the morning???

It Takes Two to Tango. And Cha-cha.

So I have dancing on the brain. What can I say? It's only 10 days until the pro-am competition I'm competing in. It's called the Nevada Star Ball, by the way, in case any of you want to drive/fly/hitchhike/stow away in our luggage to Las Vegas for it.

Yesterday I went shopping and I managed to pack myself into some really tight undergarments that take off about a size around the middle and add about 2 sizes up top. It's awesome. I'll share pics soon.

In the meantime, my dance studio (King Studio in Foothill Village) was featured on the morning news last week. You can watch a clip of my instructer/dance partner, Martin, here...

(Skip forward to 2:20 if you want to skip Big Budah. And you do.)
 


 

Things I Learned From a Hong Kong Dress

The Good News: My dress has arrived! And it "fits."

HOWEVER...

Here are some things I've learned since trying it on:

1) Lycra, even encrusted in beads and sequins, shows every bump and lump you've got. Hence...
2) My waist is thicker than I thought
3) My legs are fatter at the top than I thought
4) My hips are bumpier than I thought
5) A girdle can only go so far to flatten out your gut, hips, and thighs
6) My boobs are flatter than I thought.
7) Actually, they are about like I thought they were, but this dress smashes them and makes them look flatter than they are.
8) I might have to get some chicken cutlets.
9) There's a reason why dresses from China are so cheap. The beading isn't sewed on super strong. I better remember not to cha-cha too fast or they might fly off! (The beads, not the cutlets.)
10) My legs need to look more tan.
11) You can buy spray on panty-hose.
12) I wish my legs looked sexier. Higher heels make your legs look sexier. Lower heels mean I might not fall on my butt. I'll probably take the higher heels.
13) I think I need to glam up my performance-look a bit. You know, hairspray, jewelry, body glitter.... But I'm not sure how far to go. There's a fine line between hot and hooker.
14) I don't care about 1-13. I'm so excited about this dance competition I could be 8 months pregnant and wearing a garbage bag and I'd have fun!

Only two weeks to go!


p.s. Once I experiment with push-up, flatten-out, batten-down undergarments for a while, I'll do some pictures of me in the dress.

Oh, and after I perfect my facial rhinestones.



(Thank you, Miss Tina Spaahkle)

We Have a Winner

I have decided, after careful consideration, to go with this dress...



Thank you all for your votes. Most of you won. Some of you chose poorly. I'm sorry for your misguided taste in latin competition dance clothing.

Also, I've decided to stay with the gold, as pictured, rather than doing the hot pink as originally described. For one thing, the gold dress will go better with my shoes, which are gold. For another thing, the pink one is no longer listed. That swayed my vote just slightly in favor of the gold as well.

Now I have to find out if I can get it shipped to me all the way from Timbuktu (otherwise known as Hong Kong) in time. I only have slightly over 3 weeks. The shipping info says it takes 10-16 business days. That cuts it very close. If it doesn't come in time, well, I guess I'll be dancing in this, which I can whip up out of multi-colored garbage bags in about 4 minutes flat:



Do I risk it ordering it and hope it arrves?

Of course, I could also pay for expedited shipping, which pretty much doubles the price of the dress.

Hmmmmmm.....

Strictly Ballroom

I've been taking ballroom dance lessons for a couple of months now. It's a blast. My teacher, Martin, is very good. And I, as it turns out, am not entirely untalented at it. So last week when Martin asked me if I wanted to compete, I nearly vomited from fear... and then agreed. So I've signed up for my first competition. It's in Vegas. In a month. I'm going to compete in Rumba and Cha Cha since those are the ones I know best. I have a lot of polishing up to do. My technique still needs some work. But more importantly, I need to find a costume! So here are some of the (affordable) options I've found so far. And keep in mind that some of them are in their rough state and will have to have a LOT of sequins and beads glued on. This is ballroom dance, after all.

Please to vote? I've even given them helpful names to make it easier for you.


1) The Blue Cold Shoulder

2) The Red V-V (needs 8-10 lbs of beads, sequins, and rhinestones added, of course)


3) The Black Bea Arthur (Classy or matronly?)


4) Red Hot Chili Peppers

5.) Burgundy Halter (needs beading)
6) Black BYU

7) Yellow Barbie (the description says the dress is mint green?)

8) Caribbean Blue

9) New Jersey Crips (I would actually get this in red, though. Don't tell the Bloods.)

10) Hot Hot Hot Pink (I know this is gold, the picture of it in pink disappeared. but I want it in hot pink)

11) Double D Delight (I would need to add beading, obviously. And a boob job.)

12) Black Built In Necklace

Ok, so tell me what you think!

I'll be off practicing how to glue rhinestones to my eyebrows.