Sunday, January 31, 2010

Last Day for 15% off!

If you were tempted to order something fun for Valentine's Day but have been sitting on the fence, let me give you a little push...


So you could wait until tomorrow or the next day or the next day to order, but then you'd have to pay more. Why do that to yourself?

Click HERE to browse my Passion Parties website, or email me if you need more personalized shopping help.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Word Up

Every once in a while I catch myself saying a common phrase, an idiom, and wondering, "Where on earth did that phrase come from?"

Today it was "called to the carpet." As in, "I hope those Wall Street idiots get called to the carpet for what they did."

The meaning behind these phrases is usually clear to me, but the origin--how we came to understand that calling someone to the carpet means making them be accountable for what they did--is what really interests me.

Maybe it interests you as well? (Or maybe you find it totally stupid and you couldn't care less, in which case feel free to skip all further posts with this title.) So I've decided to do a regular post on the origin of common idioms. Starting with...

Called To the Carpet/Called on the Carpet:

"In the days when 'carpet' retained its original sense, 'a thick fabric used to cover tables,' to have something 'on the carpet' had the same meaning that we now give to 'on the table'; that is, to have something up for discussion, for consideration. But dainty ladies found, even in the fifteenth century, that these thick fabrics also made ideal floor coverings and began to use them, first, in their bedchambers, and then in other private or formal rooms of a house. But they were for the use of the gentry.

The occasions when a servant might 'walk the carpet,' as the expression went, was when he or she was called before the mistress or master of the house for a reprimand. Though this latter expression, coined in the early nineteenth century, is still in use, it has been largely replaced, especially in America, by transferring its meaning to 'on the carpet.'"

From "2107 Curious Word Origins, Sayings & Expressions from White Elephants to a Song and Dance" by Charles Earle Funk (Galahad Book, New York, 1993).

So there you have it. Feel a lot smarter and more superior to everyone else around you now, don't you? You're welcome.

Friday, January 29, 2010

A Few of My Favorite Things

There will be no end to the self-congratulatory sniggering when my mom finds out I'm blogging about this one, but here it is....

The Infamous Square Frying Pan

I think my mother was the one who first discovered the square frying pan, back when they were a very obscure item. And then she proceeded to give one to every person who got married for the next 40 years. Square frying pans don't wrap well, though, so usually she just wrapped the frying part and left the handle sticking out. This mortified us, of course. It looked so unprofessional. And we always wished, just once, we could give the bride and groom something nice, something that came in a box that you could wrap completely and tie a ribbon around (not a Christmas bow stuck to the outside).

But alas, now that I have kids I realize how incredible handy it is to have a pan that can cook 4 pancakes at once, 4 grilled cheese sandwiches at once, 8 slices of bacon at once, and six pork chops at once...all without them touching each other and sticking together or sliding towards the middle.

I'm sure all of those people who got a square frying pan at their wedding wondered what the heck they'd ever use it for. And I'm sure within a few years, all of them, like me, thanked their lucky stars a hundred times over for this super handy pan.

(Don't you hate it when your mother is right?)

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

What Happens When You Let Your Little Brother Tie You Up

Yes, this could have ended tragically in a hanging.

But instead it ended hilariously in a face contorting, so I had to run and get my camera before untying the victim.

p.s. In case you are wondering, I am NOT a bad mother. I actually DID do my daughter's hair this morning!


Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Time For Passion!

Valentine's Day is almost here! Are you ready? Do you have something amazing planned? It's not too late to create a night you both will never forget.

Some of you already know that I am a consultant for Passion Parties, an in-home party company that aims to help couples (women especially) get more out of their love life. Some of you don't. Well, it's time you knew! I've been doing Passion Parties for four years and I love it. I love helping women grow closer to their significant other, empower themselves, and feel confident in the bedroom. I do tasteful and educational in-home parties, but I also take phone and internet orders in case you don't live close by.

So it's time to start thinking about doing something fun, sexy, surprising and new for your Sweetie for Valentine's Day! Orders can be placed as late as February 5th for pre-Valentine's Day delivery. But anyone who orders by January 31st can use the code "Jan15" on my website (or by email/phone) and get 15% off their order.

Click HERE to browse my website.

Or email me at arianne at the passionroom dot com if you'd prefer to have catalogues sent to you (in a discreet envelope, of course) or if you have questions. And don't be afraid to ask. Think of me as your own personal, non-German, over 5 foot, under 60, Dr. Ruth. I have suggestions for any problem or can let you know which products I recommend.

Here are a few Valentine's sales and specials I have going on now to pique your curiosity...

Romanta Therapy Creamy Massage Set. Heated Massage pack + creamy massage oil. (Sale - $6.50 Off!)

Hugs and Kisses heated massage packs with Creamsicle edible massage cream (Sale - $8.00 Off!)

Flavor Of Love - The Progressor + FREE Embrace flavored lubricant (Sale - $17 off!)

Fire & Dice - Fireworks warming massage oil + Dirty Dice (Sale - $5.00 off!)

Pure Passion Set. Pure Satisfaction Arousal Gel + FREE Pure Instinct pheramone perfume. (Sale - $20 Off!)

Nibblers Lip Balm. The great flavor of our Nipple Nibblers in a stick. Plumps lips!

Playful Set II. 52 Naughty IOU's, Revelation lubricant, and Bullet. (Sale - $5.00 off!)

Passion Play role playing set. (Sale - $5.00 off!)

Also, the following popular items are on sale:

Super Deluxe Smitten + Passion Massage Lotion - $2 off (Code "2406")
Revelation Lubricant - $1 off (Code "2207")
Tasty Temptation flavored massage candles - $2 off (Code "TT2")
Jelly Osaki - $2.50 off (code "1026")
Gigi - $3.00 off (Code "4003")
Silky Sheets - $1.50 off (Code "SS150")
Any Romanta Therapy product (your choice) - $1.50 off (Email me first for code)

These are just a few of the exiting sensual products we offer to spice up your love life and make your Valentine's Day 2010 the most memorable ever. Visit to shop my online store, or email me and I will mail catalogues to you. (All orders are confidential and mailed descreetly to your home.)

Happy Valentine's Day!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Do you get excited or cringe when you see "random" in the title?

- My printer finally gave up the ghost last month. After lots of browsing online and reading reviews, I got a new printer/scanner/fax this week. WIRELESS. Oo la la. It is so fancy and so fast and so sharp and I don't have go get up off my butt and climb the stairs to plug my laptop in to print stuff. I LOOOOOVE IT!

- Our garbage disposal has been on the fritz for about a month too. You turn it on and it makes a humming sound but nothing turns. So when the water stops going down completely (I usually like to wait until the food chunks and pukey water are an inch or two above the drain) you have to get a wooden spoon and stick it down in there and try to give the whirling knives inside a few pushes to get them going. It takes great concentration because if you're not fast enough, it'll take half the wooden spoon off before you realize it's working. It terrifies me to do this. I cringe the whole time, waiting for that moment when it starts up so violently my whole hand is pulled in and chopped to bits.

- Yesterday Big Daddy finally installed a new garbage disposal. And saved me from becoming Luke Skywalker. Bless that man.

- I've told myself that when we run out of diapers, which will be in about a week, I will potty train Beck.

- But I'm going on vacation twice in February, so maybe I better wait until March.

- The Binky Fairy is coming to our house next week.

- Or maybe I'll ask her to wait until March too. I'm not sure I want to go on vacation and not have every crutch available to get my kids to sleep in.

- Last Sunday the weather was so mild I thought I could feel spring. It made me VERY excited.

- This Sunday the entire town is covered in a fresh layer of thick snow. It looks like something out of a postcard. It makes me excited too. Because despite the fact that I hate the winter and hate the cold, I love a fresh, heavy snow.

-Anyone seen "The Wild"? DON'T. It came on TV last week and I can tell you that it's just a big, awful, boring rip-off of Madagascar. Seriously, the worst animated movie EVER.

-Have you noticed that movies tend to come out in twos in Hollywood? Madagascar and The Wild (lion returns to Africa movies). Armageddon and Deep Impact (meteor movies). Happy Feet and Surf's Up (penguin movies). Lightning Thief and Clash of the Titans (Greek hero movies, both to come out within a month of each other). Tombstone and Wyatt Earp (movies based on Wyatt Earp's life). Antz and A Bug's Life (both about ants). The Truman Show and Ed TV (movies about a person's life being a TV show). Red Planet and Mission to Mars (Mars movies). See what I mean? It's like someone comes up with a good movie idea and they start production and then another studio hears about it and decides to copy it. Only one is always really good and the other is always really crappy.

- I just saw The Young Victoria. If you have any interest in historical things at all. It was really interesting and very sweet.

-I am now going to go out and read a bunch of biographies on Queen Victoria and Prince Albert. I don't' know why, but I am super fascinated by reading about royalty.

-I discovered royalty in my family tree recently. A Baron and a Prince. That must be why I have this interest. It's in my BLOOD.

- Yoga is really good for my back. I've had a bad back since I was 12. And I've noticed the only time I don't have back pain is when I do yoga regularly. Or when I eat cupcakes regularly. (Or maybe it's just that the sugar rush confuses my pain receptors. Either way....)

- I had my first encounter with cub scouts last week after I got assigned to be the new Wolf Den leader (8 year olds). I WANT TO DIE.

- Going out to eat on Saturday night: $19.46. Leftovers after church on Sunday? Priceless.

The Mouths of Babes

Daphne: Mom, I'm packing a bag because I need a fication.

Daphne, after I have asked her twice to clean up her room (and she hasn't so I have started telling her to pick up items one by one): "Mommy, you're acting like a mean witch!"

Daphne: Mommy, I'm a fairy!
Me: I see your wings. Does that mean if I put you on top of the table and give you a push you'll fly away into the trees?
Daphne: No, Mom. It's just betend.

This morning I made a rabbit-shaped pancake for Daphne. Her first bite was to eat its ear. As usual, I exclaimed, "Oh no, Daphne! Not the ear! How will that poor rabbit hear??" Usually this makes the kids scream with laughter. But today Daphne just looked at me and shook her head. "Mom, it's just a pancake."

ACK! I think my little girl is growing up!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Thanks, Ground Beef Male Royalty

On Saturday I stopped at a certain fast food joint for a snack. It was late and I didn't want anything big, but I had just finished doing a Passion Party and hadn't had much dinner before hand. I thought maybe a small order of Chicken Fries would be good.

I ordered, drove to the window, and paid. And then the man at the drive through made my day with 6 simple words: Would you like a free Sprite?

Let me say that I don't like Sprite. I would never order a Sprite. I can't remember the last time I drank a Sprite (it has to be in the double digits ago) and if given the choice between water and Sprite, I would probably choose water. But for some reason, on this night, that simple act of kindness of handing over a gargantuan Sprite that the person in line before me's credit card had declined him from purchasing (talk about being over your credit limit!) made my night. And it was the yummiest 56 ounces of Sprite ever.

(Just kidding. I only had about 3 sips, but it was the thought that counted....)

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Help For Haiti + Lunch For Us

I just read this post over on My Life As Kalli, and since you know I'm a big believer in helping people who really need it, I wanted to post about it here. If anyone wants to come and help make quilts to send to Haiti, please come. And I think maybe those of you who know me, and have any desire to see how much food my kids can manage to dump down their fronts in a 45 minute period, can go to lunch with me after...what do you think?

"I've had Haiti on my mind.


If you're like me you've been wondering how to help, how to make any sort of a difference in the awfulness of what's going on down there. All while you sit warm and cozy in your sweatpants typing away on your macbook. Trust me, the irony is not lost.

Well I've got something, and I don't need money from you, I just need your time.

Did you know that within 48 hours of the quake, LDS Humanitarian Services and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints had commissioned two planes loaded with 160,000 lbs of relief supplies with additional supplies to be delivered via truck through the Dominican Republic? Pretty incredible if you ask me. It's just one more thing I love about my church, the powers that be are organized, prepared and ready for action.

My friend Melanie and I got in touch with LDS Humanitarian Services to ask how we could help, turns out their greatest need at this time is full size quilts.

This is where you come in. We need your help. Let's help an organization so busy actually helping those we only wish we could.

On Monday, January 25th we will be hosting a quilting bee at a church in American Fork.

The details are this:

Where: American Fork LDS Stake Center at 140 W. Center St.

Time: 10:00 am to 1:00 pm

Bring: a surger if you have one!

**Supplies will be provided BUT batting donations are ALWAYS appreciated (hint hint)!

Email ME (if you're planning on it):

Doesn't matter if you can't sew, your help can be used cutting, ironing, tying or somewhere else.

I know this is a somewhat inconvenient time, but I am begging you to do what you can to make it work. Even if you can only stay an hour, or a half hour, come on your lunch break, we need you!

Bring your kids, mine will be there going batty because that's smack in the middle of his nap time. Sweet!

We are doing this! Come and do it with us. Here's how you can help.

So we'll see you there, right?


Also, your help would be appreciated in tweeting, facebooking, blogging, just passing the word along you know?"

So there you have it. This Monday. A.F. Bring your kids. Meet bloggers. Make quilts. Help others. Eat lunch after. Can you think of anything more perfect??? (Yeah, minus the kids would be more perfect, but we can do it for the sake of the Haitians, right?)

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Tale of The Mysterious Monkey Poo -- As Requested

When I was 19 I went on a 4 month internship to India. I spent the first 3 weeks with a group of 18 students and our professor and his family. Then we were parceled out to several villages and some to a city in Goa. I spent my semester in a little village in the southern tip of the country. But on the way down, our professor, Dave, took us to see a lot of important historical and religious sites.

One stop was the town of Mathura, which we lovingly nicknamed “Manura” because the whole town smelled like manure and was swarming with small flies. Every time you stopped moving, these little flies would land on you. You could wiggle and they would fly off, but as soon as you were still again, you were covered. There wasn’t much to do or see in this town. It was a dump. But it happened to be the closest town to a beautiful temple marking the birthplace of the god Krishna.

We arrived in mid January, the off-season. The town has times of year where it swarms with tourists as well as flies, but this was not one of them. Our teacher had selected a hotel for us head of time. And when we arrived we were delighted to find out that it would cost us only 6 Rupies a night, about $0.18. Indians are fanatical about their paperwork, something they picked up from the British during their occupation of India. Everything must be filled out, by hand, in triplicate: Your name, your passport number, your home address, your address in India, what you intend to do while you’re here, how long you’re staying, your pants inseam and eyeglass prescription, and so on. So there was quite a back log at the front desk when 18 students plus a family of 5 arrived. The friends I intended to share a room with—Keri, Rachelle, Nicole, Angie, Candace, and I—decided to go set our stuff in our room first and then come back to fill out the paperwork once things had died down.

We left the mob of people at the front desk, which was just a few feet inside the front door, and took the hallway to the left (an identical hallway went off to the right). The hallway was marble-floored, as everything in India is. Open windows let in a nice warm breeze. Our room was down about 5 doors. When we opened it, we were disappointed. It was pretty bare bones. Six wooden-framed cots lined up in the center of the room. They were dusty and covered with rat droppings. A small table and chairs in one corner was the only other furniture. Two doors led off the sleeping area; one to the bathroom and another, locked, to the back ally.

The bathroom was pretty typical of India. A porcelain squat pot took up the space in the center of the 4x3 room. A water tap about 10 inches off the ground was on the side wall with a small plastic pitcher underneath. Indians—those of all classes but the very rich—don’t use toilet paper. It’s too expensive. Instead most bathrooms have a water tap and a pitcher next to the squat pot to wash off with after one has squatted, and if necessary one can use the left hand to help things along. (Indians never touch food or each other with the left hand. Only the right hand is used for dining and shaking hands and everything else. You know, just in case.)

After we all shook out our mattresses and sheets and laid our own sheets from home on top, we headed back to the front desk to fill out our paperwork. It took us about 10 minutes and then we decided to go back to our room and relax. But when we got there, we discovered a huge log of poo sitting on the porcelain edge of the squat pot. It was big. Baby Ruth sized. But why would a human have pooped on the side of the squat pot instead of in it? And what human would have been in our room after we left? It didn’t make sense. Maybe it could have been a dog—it was the right size. But surely we would have noticed a dog trotting up and down the corridors between the front desk and our room. No, a dog was not likely. But what else could it have been? A monkey? We didn’t even know if they had monkeys in this part of India, but it seemed even less likely that a monkey could have gotten into our hotel, into our room, and decided to relieve himself in our bathroom. It was a mystery, for sure.

Finally I was nominated to go back to the front desk and tell the owner about the mysterious poo. He didn’t seem phased and said he’d send someone to clean it up. “But what is it FROM?” I asked him. He shrugged. “Did someone go in our room?” I continued. “No, Madam,” was his response, “No one went into your room. For sure.” “Then what was it from? Is there a dog here?” “No, Madam. No dog.” “Well, do you have monkeys here?” I inquired. Surely a monkey was the only option left. But now the owner was getting defensive. “Madam. We do not have monkeys. There are no monkeys here. NO MONKEYS!! “ I decided to let it go since he obviously had no clue was getting pretty riled up by my line of questioning . I went back to my room, and a few minutes later a tiny shriveled woman showed up with a broom, swept the mysterious poo down the squat pot, and flushed it away with some water from the tap.

Later that evening, the whole group decided to go out for some dinner. We found a shabby little restaurant that served the traditional Indian thali meal. It was just average. And very spicy. But it was food, and we were hungry.

Afterward, we all went shopping at a fantastic local market. It was full of wonderful handmade trinkets and crafts from the surrounding villages, as well as stickers and posters and statues of Krishna and Rama and the other forms of Vishnu, and some of the other favorite Hindu gods. And everything was so cheap we filled up bags full of souvenirs.

As we walked back in the cool evening air to our hotel, I suddenly stopped and stared. There, sitting on the tile roof of our hotel, was a humongous monkey. He was easily the size of a child, light brown and gangly. “I thought there were no monkeys here!” I complained to the rest of the group. “He said ‘NO MONKEYS.’” We all just stood and stared. How did the monkey get into the hotel AND into our room? And how did he get out so fast without being seen? We didn’t know. We would never know. But I swear to you as we stood and eyed that monkey on the roof, he looked down, and he laughed at us.

Monday, January 18, 2010

I'm boring MYSELF to death

What is wrong with me? I have blogged twice in the last 10 days. I haven't been reading or commenting either, because when you comment people generally want to go to your blog to return the favor, and I can't have people coming to my blog to comment on a blog that is a week old, now can I?

So for the love of all that's holy, someone please give me a topic to write about!!!

Friday, January 15, 2010

Famous Look-alike?

Someone a long time ago told me that they thought I looked like Sophie Marceau. It was the nicest compliment anyone has ever paid me, even if it was completely ridiculous. Someone else once told me I looked like Blossom. I punched him in the throat. I've always wondered since then, though, if I look like anyone famous. So recently when someone told me I look like Angela Kinsey (Angela from The Office), I had to investigate. Judge for yourself...



Me As Angela Kinsey:


If you say no, who do you think I look like? (Sophie Marceau is always an acceptable answer, in case you're stumped.)

The Yin To My Yang

When your husband goes to China for a week, you learn 2 things:

1) You can survive. If you absolutely had to do it on your own, you could. This is a good thing to know.

2) You never, ever, EVER want to have to. Everything is better with him here.


Sunday, January 10, 2010

And Don't Ever Forget It

I am nothing if not creative with a capital K. So of course I was thrilled when the lovely and talented Wym bestowed the Kreativ Bloggger award upon me today. (Actually, the original Kreativ Blogger award only had two "g"s in it, but since I'm at lesat 1/3 more kreativ than everyone else alive, I decided to bump it up to 3 g's. See how I've proven I deserve this award already?? )

The upside of receiving this award is that all my wasted time blah-blah-blah-ing over the world wide web has just been validated. Ha! In your face, 10th grade English teacher who told me I'd never amount to anything! The downside is that I now have to come up with 7 interesting and/or unknown things to say about myself, as per the Kreativ Blogger Award Official Rules and Obligations. How will I ever narrow it down??? And then I have to pass on this award to several other super kreativ bloggers. Who will make the list? I know you are all dying to find out. Well, here goes with the first part...

1) My body's default reaction to any conditions that threaten homeostasis--i.e. exercise, nervousness, stress, cold, etc.--is for my nose to run. It really can be quite inopportune to have your nose start running like a tap during the middle of your Sunday School lesson. People really don't appreciate my loud goose honk nose blow during yoga either.

2) Scrubbing toilets isn't even close to the top of my list of Most Hated Household Chores. I feel like if I was any kind of human being, it should be. But usually I find it cathartic.

3) I've always felt more at home with people of other cultures than my own. In 5th grade, Melanie Riley-Green, Ingrid Middleton, and Leslie Hill cornered me on the Big Slide during recess and confronted me for abandoning them for Yoko Matsumoto, the new Japanese import. I had to confess that she was way more interesting to me even though she couldn't speak a word of English. I don't think they appreciated my cultural sensitivity.

4) Holding things between my teeth makes me super nauseated. Like pencils. Or papers. Or the hem of a shirt so I can examine my bellybutton. I don't know why.

5) I'm addicted to HGTV. I currently DVR at least 5 different shows on that network. Generally my DVR tapes the first two minutes of the following show before the recording cuts off. And no matter what show it is that follows, I find myself shrieking that I don't have the whole show to watch nearly every time.

6) My gosh, aren't I done yet??? Um, let's see....Oh, I got one. I used to have this horrible Michigan accent. Michiganders have a terrible accent. They have super flat vowels, especially the O, which becomes like an A, and the A, which becomes like an A with your nose plugged and someone sitting on your chest. When I first came to Utah, people asked me all the time, "Where are you from??" And I would say, "What do you mean ? I don't hiev and ieccent."

7) Yesterday I turned on the water in my bathroom sink and put a pair of my daughter's soiled underwear in there to soak. Then I went to the bathroom and got in the shower. It was a decent shower--10 minutes or so. But I kept thinking how I needed to have Big Daddy check the plumbing because it didn't seem like there was enough water pressure. When I turned off the shower, I could still hear water running somewhere. I looked over at the bathroom sink and water was pouring onto the floor. Did I seriously forget to turn off the sink? SERIOUSLY? CRAP. I'm turning into my MOTHER!

There you go. Seven highly entertaining and/or unknown things about myself. You don't' have to tell me if they lean more towards the unknown than the entertaining. I am a big believer in denial.

As for the awards, well no one is as kreativ as...

Cadence, who always does beautiful things with chocolate and glue and paper and glitter (not in the same project of course) and then pretends she's not at all a super amazing crafty mom.


The Boob Nazi, who I recently started reading. She is spunky and sassy and she tells it LIKE IT IS. I love a woman with a mind of her own!


Gurbonzo, who CRACKS. Me. UP. She has the greatest knack for telling the parts of life that should be the most depressing in a way that is absolutely hysterical. Of course, it's mostly only hysterical because it's happening to someone else, not me. But still, that takes talent.


Plain Jame. She wields words like a Ginsu knife; the tin cans of mediocrity are nothing to her verbal prowess...hiYA! I love to just plunge into her posts and experience her life almost as real-ly as my own.


Rae at Us in Tejas. She tells the best stories ever. And I have a feeling if we got together for a chat, we'd be there for 11 days at least, both of us being so terribly interesting and loving to gab like we do. She's a soul sister, I'm sure.

If you're looking for some good reading, check those out. But make sure you always read MY blog more. Loyalty, people. It's called loyalty.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Magic Ingredients

Today I was eating some leftovers from dinner out last night, and I was really relishing the flavors. And it occured to me, there are certain ingredients that, when I see them listed on the menu together, will almost assuredly mean I will chose that dish and love it. They are:



sun-dried tomatoes


goat cheese

pine nuts


roasted red peppers

fresh mozerella



green or calamata olives

I know, they're all kind of weird. But I like strong flavors. And I like everything from pasta to chicken to sea food if it's made with the above ingredients in the right combination.

What about you? Are there any ingredients you just love love love to find on the menu?

Thursday, January 7, 2010

As Seen In Nerdville

Sometimes you see something kinda cool on infomercials. Sometimes you see things that are minorly intriguing on As Seen On TV ads and you're almost tempted to order one.

And then there are times like this when the stupidest, silliest looking invention any geriatric inventor has ever invented makes it on TV. I give you, the Necky...

It's a fake turtleneck! (Not a mock turtle neck. That's a whole different realm of fashion faux pas.) This is like a dickey, if you know what that is, but for those people who are too stupid to tie an actual scarf on and too lazy to wear an actual turtulneck shirt. And/or who want to look ridiculous after they take off their coat. "Keeps your kids' necks warm AND keeps them from having friends!"

The good news is, you can also use it for winter-time train robberies. Bonus!

Ok, that's all I had to say. I'll catch you later. I'm going to go back to watching TV...... in my Snuggie.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

A True Christmas Miracle

After all the bitching and moaning I did about my weight this past year, I'd like to make an happy announcement:

After going off my diet approximately six weeks ago, and eating exactly whatever I felt like eating until yesterday, and not exercising at all the last 3 weeks (in fact, lying around quite a bit doing absolutely nothing) because of my eye ulcer and then my surgery, I got on the scale today and....

I was DOWN 1/2 lb!

And that, my friends, is how I know there is a Jesus. Bold

p.s. Don't hate me. I've done my time in diet hell, I swear.


Tuesday, January 5, 2010

The Sob Story

I have been continuously debating over the last week since my procedure about whether or not to post about it. I'm nothing if not a big blabber mouth about my whole life. I'm not the private type AT ALL. But for some reason I've felt hesitance about this one. Because I don't want pity? Because I don't yet have answers? Because the implications might just be too overwhelming for to me to talk about??? Is that possible? Well, I guess not, because here I am posting about it. But I'm still not 100% sure I'm doing the right thing. (Don't you love how I have built this up so that now you're all wondering if I have terminal cancer or something??) (I don't.)

Ok, so the back story--I suffered from unexplained infertility when trying to conceive (TTC) my first child. We had every test under the sun done and tried all kinds of medical intervention. There was nothing wrong with either of us, yet nothing seemed to work. Eventually, after 17 LONG months of negative pregnancy tests and one miscarriage, I got pregnant and it stuck. Viola, Daphne. I nursed Daphne for 6 months, and days after I finished, I got pregnant again. This was a total surprised to me since I had no idea I could get pregnant easily. That pregnancy ended up in an ectopic with emergency surgery. They were able to save the tube, but not the pregnancy. Yet 3 weeks later, I got pregnant again and, voila, Beck.

So after one eternally long attempt at TTC and three quick pregnancies, I thought my infertility days were long gone.

But after two kids, back to back (18 months apart), I felt like I needed a break. That break turned into a longer break than originally anticipated because I wasn't ready when I thought I would be, and finally, early this summer, we decided we were ready for another baby. Well, here we are in January--no baby.

So I made a trip to the doc, just to rule out any problems. (I thought I might have endometriosis on my ovaries because of 6-8 days of killer pain when I ovulate that couldn't be explained any other way.) The doctor suggested several options: we could get an HSG (a procedure where they look at you under x-ray and shoot contrast dye through your tubes to make sure they're open) or go straight for a laproscopy, which would diagnose and clean off any endometriosis. He also did some hormone testing to make sure I was ovulating (which I was). After I left his office, I thought I really wasn't prepared to do either thing. Both are expensive. Neither are very fun. And I figured since I had gotten pregnant before, I'm sure I could again. I was probably just being too impatient.

Then I had brunch with a girlfriend who had had a similar situation, ended up having major endo removed, and got pregnant lickity split. After our talk, I decided maybe I should go ahead and get the laproscopy done after all and see if it was endo. I told me doc and we set up the surgery. The doc planned on doing a chromotubation at the same time (like an HSG, to test the tubes).

Now we're up to date.

I had the surgery last week, and the results are in! No endo! (Cheer!) However, both my tubes are blocked. (Boo! Hiss!) How the heck that happened, we don't know. Well, we do know that the right tube was damaged from the ectopic. But ironically, that tube did let just a touch of dye through. It's the good (left) tube that's completely blocked. He couldn't figure out what the blockage was, for some reason. But he did say that while pregnancy had a very slim possibility of occurring after ovulating on the right side, it would probably end ectopic as well. the big questions. Are more kids possible? Do I want to spend a fortune on IVF, which is my only option if nothing changes with the tubes? Is there surgery that can fix this? Will it cause more damage? Should I go the homeopathic route and try herbs and fertility massage first? Do I really want to pay out thousands of dollars to try to get pregnant? Should I just pray and wait? OR...Am I done with kids? See? Deep thoughts.

Anyway, there you have it. The story of the barren wasteland that is my womb. In case you wondered.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Death To Carmike

You should know right up front that I do not wish violence against someone named Carmike. But I do wish a moderate amount of violence against a certain horrible movie theater.

It started last week when Big Daddy and I decided to go see Avatar in 3D. We had some free movie passes to a Carmike movie theater. They were a gift last year from some friends and they were going to expire this year on New year's Eve. So we had to use them, and soon. But we don't live anywhere near a Carmike theater. There is one in 20 minutes away in one direction. And there is one 30 minutes away in the other direction. There are at least 6 movie theaters closer, 3 of which you can get reserve seating for (the BEST INVENTION EVER), so we have no cause to ever go to a Carmike. But we didn't want to waste these tickets either, so we decided to head north and, since I had to get some lab work done at the hospital where I was going to have my procedure the following day, only a mile away from the theater, to kill two birds with one stone.


First of all, the Carmike we chose refused to honor our gift passes. It didn't say anywhere on the tickets that there were restrictions on using them, but the girl said it would "screw up her computer" if she tried to use them for a 3D movie. Big Daddy offered to pay the difference between the regular movie and the 3D price, but she just wouldn't budge. So he ended up just giving his tickets to the person behind him and paying full price for the movie. AFTER WE'D DRIVEN HALF AN HOUR OUT OF OUR WAY TO ATTEND THIS THEATER.

Next, the candy supply at this theater was abysmal. They had tops, 8 candy choices. And among those were fruit snacks and raisins (not Raisinettes, ACTUAL raisins), so I'm pretty sure those don't even count. I'm not much of a candy eater. It's a rare day that I ever eat movie theater candy. But I was trying to make the most of my no-diet holiday. So on this day, they let me down. Big time.

Problem #3, the theater had NO HEAT. I'm not joking. It was nearly as cold in the theater as outside. I hadn't brought gloves, and I was sorry. My hands were like ice and I had to wrap them up in my scarf to keep them warm. My nose, the only area outside my hood (yes, I was wearing a hood IN the theater) and exposed to the air, got redder and colder throughout the movie. By the end, my teeth were actually chattering. My husband, the human heater, was even freezing, despite his new stay-puffed coat. And as we looked around in the theater, everyone was huddled close together with their coats heaped on top of them like blankets.

And then as we were leaving the theater, we overheard a man talking to the manager and ticket girl about the fact that she wouldn't honor his movie passes. And so they let him use them!

At that point, we decide to let the manager know how awful our experience had been. And when I told him there had been no heat in our theater, he asked which movie we'd attended. "Avatar 3D," I said. "3D?" he asked, "Not the regular one??" Rough translation: Oh. I knew the heat wasn't working in the regular theater, but not the 3D one too.

What a piece-of-crap theater. You can be sure I will never, ever go there again. Not even for free tickets. And should they find a few boxes of nasty Snow Caps stuffed with C4 in their concession stand, I don't know anything about them.

(And despite all that, Avatar was still absofreakinglutely AMAZING. See it. See it NOW. And be sure to go to the 3D. It's unbelievable.)

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Sleeping Like A Baby

So here's where it might get a little disturbing for some of you...


Yes, I'm for real.

No, I'm not sure why. I'm not sure I can even explain it to myself. I just know that I look forward to it every time I know I'm going to go under.

Maybe it's because I really love sleeping so much, and general anesthesia is the deepest, darkest, most velvety sleep you can ever get.

Maybe some twisted part of me likes the rush, the flirtation with death, allowing myself to be made unconscious and waiting to see if I come out again.

Maybe it's because for 5 or 6 hours I get to do absolutely nothing. And have people wait on me hand and foot. To say "I'm thirsty" and have someone bring me some water. And to say, "I want juice" and to have someone take the water away and bring me an array of juices. Or to say "I'm cold" and have someone bring me a freshly baked blanket. (Yeah, that could be it right there. The piping hot blankets are pretty freaking amazing.)

Maybe it's knowing that for half of a day there will be no diapers, no spills, no dirt, no sippy cups, no whining and screaming (except my own, of course, should I feel so inclined) and no one will ask anything more difficult of me than to try to open my eyes now and then.

Whatever it is--I know it must be wrong--but I just can't help but love when they put that mask on my face and say, "Breathe deep. I'm going to give you something to relax..."

Friday, January 1, 2010

New Year's Wishes

For the New Year I Wish...

For a brother in law's continued sobriety

For a son to be potty trained

For a father in law's continued employment

For a husband's invention to come to fruition

To be one step closer to buying a new house, in a new neighborhood, with a garage and a heater that doesn't crackle and pop all night

For a pregnancy miracle

For a real best friend

For thinner hips

For more patience

For a sister in law to realize how wonderful she is and to leave behind anyone who doesn't feel the same.

For more energy

To give more time to my kids and not my computer

For more summer rain

For more time with my relatives

For a few more birdies and a few more pars

For safety, and health, and wealth and wisdom.

And if I can't have all of this, I wish to be happy with what I have.