Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Impaled

I have several talents, gifts, and life skills which I can say, with all possibly humility, that I am quite good at.

One) I can tread water for an extremely long period of time despite always being fairly out of shape and despite the fact that the kind of swimming I’m capable of is the type that attracts sharks to wounded and dying animals.

Two) I am excellent at remembering numbers. I can recall off the top of my head: my social security number, my passport number, my drivers license number, my three bank account numbers and pins, my husband’s social security and drivers license numbers, his bank account number and pin (very handy), the birthdates of nearly every person whose birthday I’ve ever known, including friends from as far back as first grade, and their phone numbers from as far back as first grade, and the number of almost every person in the neighborhood I’ve ever called. Am I good at working with numbers (a.k.a. the nightmare that is math)? Nope. Remembering them? Ya, somehow they just stick.

Three) Tying a sari. Yes, a sari. When I lived in southern India, saris were the thing. I suppose I could have dressed like a tourist and just worn jeans (Are you kidding me? HOT!) or a long frumpy skirt (they did abound since it was the 90’s). Shorts were out of the question. Legs are NOT to be shown in India. Bare midriffs? Sure. Occasional old lady breasts who forgot to wear a shirt under their saris? Yep. But legs? Oh no. So I wore the sari. It was like dress up. For 4 months. And it was fun. And despite the fact that the women in the village untied and retied my sari on a regular basis whilst rolling their eyes and speaking quickly and discouragingly to each other in Tamil to indicate the stupidity with which I had tied my sari, I WAS good at it.

One thing that is not a natural gift? A talent I was not blessed with? Something that I am downright horrible at? Stomaching the sight of wounds. It’s not the blood. The blood certainly makes things worse, but just knowing that someone or some thing has a wound makes me go a little weak. And then I get this funny feeling in my knees where they sort of shiver down the bone. Then this ache radiates out from my chest, kind of like heartburn but hotter, and it shoots down to my feet and hands. Blood pumps to my face. It’s not pleasant. I try to avoid it. Despite an otherwise very hearty constitution, I could never NEVER work in a medical field.

So you can imagine my horror today when I stepped on this:


Here, let me put it into perspective for you:



There. Now let me explain. I walked out of my bedroom, took one step, and felt a sharp pain in my foot. I looked down to see about ½ inch of metal protruding from my heel. (You’ll notice that that piece of metal is about 1 ½ inches long). I went to flick it out of the surface of my skin as I have done hundreds of times before after stepping on a sand burr or the pickery horse chestnut things that fall from my horse chestnut tree or a tack. But this one didn’t fall out. So I pulled, and ONE FULL INCH OF THAT THING PROCEEDED TO COME OUT FROM MY HEEL. You can't even imagine how many milliseconds that took. It felt like FOREVER that I was pulling and it was still coming out. Do I need to describe to you again the sensation that came over my body? The tingles? The aching heartburn, the knee twitches? No? Well, then I'll just say that
I felt like I had just removed my own liver. GAG.

And now I am hobbling around on one foot because, dangit, puncture wounds KILL. I have cancelled my work out. I have cancelled my dance class. I am currently negotiating the cancellation of all my household chores and dinner making. ( I’ll keep you posted on how that turns out. ) In place of all that loveliness, I have scheduled a visit to my lovely doctor’s office for a lovely tetanus shot. Guess how much I love shots? Yep. You guessed it. They’re my favorite. Maybe I’ll describe THAT in detail to you tomorrow. Assuming the ordeal doesn’t just do me in.

Now, who is bringing in meals?

23 comments:

Melissa said...

How wickedly awesome! Where are the pictures of your foot? C'mon, share ALL the grisly details.

Oh, and I'm sorry you were hurt, but it does sound like a very cool injury.

Kristina P. said...

I am in total pain for you!

Nicki said...

I'm cringing right now just picturing it. I'm sure Big Daddy would love to bring dinner home for you :)

Koreena said...

OUCH!! At the very LEAST you should get out of making dinner. We have cereal days around here a lot. :)

SO said...

Just hanging in there to type this comment before I have to put my head between my knees so I don't pass out! Yikes! I hope it feels better fast.

veronica said...

So...you're saying this is NOT "just a flesh wound"?

What in the world WAS that thing and where did it come from?!

Devri said...

Wow, that is crazy, I am with Melissa, where was the photos I want to see it.

ok sorry, that must have been horrible, I stepped on a toothpick, and it broke off in my foot! lovely. So I guess be thankful it didn't break off in there huh! ;0)

Jiles Pfamily said...

ouch. me. i would love to bring you dinner. can i come tomorrow?

Suzie said...

I have empathy pain throbbing from my foot and up my leg for you.
yikers!

Sher said...

Ouchie!! But, where's the picture of the wound? You can't prep us like that and not show is the blood and gore (yeah, I like that kind of stuff--I guess I'm just like a dude or somethng)

p.s. will you teach me how to tread water?

rychelle said...

THANK YOU for not posting pictures of the wound. i nearly passed out just reading about it. what is that piece of metal? where did it come from?

if i lived closer, i'd bring you dinner. if you send me your mailing address, i'll send you a giftcard to your favorite restaraunt. ;)

L. said...

Oh, Ari! What a horrible, awful story! GAG!!

But what cool things you can DO! I didn't know ANY of those things, and I'm your own mother! I can't even remember ONE number for 15 seconds!

Very funny about treading water and the sharks. You are so cool!

p.s. James Malouf told me that while in Med school he was told that not one single time in the history of medicine, has a person who ONCE got a tetanus shot, ever had tetanus after that, no matter how many nails they stepped on. But doctors don't dare take a chance that you will be the first, so they always give you another tetanus shot. This will be reassuring if you are out in the wilderness without transportation, and jam a cactus spine into your body. You won't really have to worry about tetanus.

You can imagine the number of sewing pins I have jabbed deeply into my foot during my life! I did NOT get tetanus shots.

Jeanette said...

Ouch! I feel your pain and your lightheadedness (is that even a word?). I would bring you dinner if I lived closer. I do think that you need to milk it for all it's worth though. Good luck.

erica said...

Ouch!

erica said...

oh, I should add I changed and moved my blog, check me out at (ericasphotography.blogspot.com)

Omgirl said...

hahaha, you guys are all so nice! No, I'm not as bad off as I pretend to be. And if I am, I just call on my knight in shining armor and he brings home Rubios or Zupas for me. Thanks, though!

Shawn said...

Oh---puncture wounds give me the willies----as well as scrapes---(shudder)----can't stand them!

Hope you will survive---and get lots of meals....

Sara said...

Ouch-Ouch-Ouch. I hurt for you.

MiaKatia said...

I am glad to hear that you survived the impalement. Hope your foot is better now.

Holly said...

OUCH!~ The whole time I was reading that, I kept thinking " I hope you get a Tetanus shot... hope you get a tetanus shot.." I hope you are feeling better. That sucks.. Where the heck did that come from anyway?

Ben said...

Did you ever consider that you are excellent at treading water because you have your own built-in scuba flippers? You knew those two headed monsters would come in handy for something.

André said...

With something that huge on your floor it almost makes you wonder if you were sabotaged.

tiburon said...

My foot hurts now. Thanks for that.