Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Things I Learned From a Hong Kong Dress

The Good News: My dress has arrived! And it "fits."


Here are some things I've learned since trying it on:

1) Lycra, even encrusted in beads and sequins, shows every bump and lump you've got. Hence...
2) My waist is thicker than I thought
3) My legs are fatter at the top than I thought
4) My hips are bumpier than I thought
5) A girdle can only go so far to flatten out your gut, hips, and thighs
6) My boobs are flatter than I thought.
7) Actually, they are about like I thought they were, but this dress smashes them and makes them look flatter than they are.
8) I might have to get some chicken cutlets.
9) There's a reason why dresses from China are so cheap. The beading isn't sewed on super strong. I better remember not to cha-cha too fast or they might fly off! (The beads, not the cutlets.)
10) My legs need to look more tan.
11) You can buy spray on panty-hose.
12) I wish my legs looked sexier. Higher heels make your legs look sexier. Lower heels mean I might not fall on my butt. I'll probably take the higher heels.
13) I think I need to glam up my performance-look a bit. You know, hairspray, jewelry, body glitter.... But I'm not sure how far to go. There's a fine line between hot and hooker.
14) I don't care about 1-13. I'm so excited about this dance competition I could be 8 months pregnant and wearing a garbage bag and I'd have fun!

Only two weeks to go!

p.s. Once I experiment with push-up, flatten-out, batten-down undergarments for a while, I'll do some pictures of me in the dress.

Oh, and after I perfect my facial rhinestones.

(Thank you, Miss Tina Spaahkle)


tiburon said...

Can't wait to see it on you! You need some glitter eyeliner fo sho!

alex dumas said...

Lycra, sequins, beads, girdle, panty-hose, heels, hairspray, jewelry, body glitter and rhinestones: all things that will never be invited or welcomed into my life. But you have your fun with all that.

Kado! said...

Can't wait to see that pic of you in the dress!!!

...and heels ALWAYS make your butt look HOTT!!! gives you extra lift...shhh...that is why you will rarley see me in flats....LOL!

Jen said...

Thats great that your dress got there on time. I bet thats a huge relief. We are always our worst critics, Im sure you look great!

Kristina P. said...

I'm sure you look amazing! And I sort of want to try those spray on panty hose.

Sarah said...

I get so excited when people quote that movie! I always think that I am the only one that has seen it! Good luck at your competition, make sure you post pictures!

MiaKatia said...

I am so excited for you!!! I can imagine that this is going to be fun fun fun. The High waist-ed Spanx works great. Although it may come to far down your thigh. Seriously love my Spanx. PS Hope things are better in your world this week.

CaraDee said...

I had this impression that Elle MacPherson was Tina Spahkle. I was wrong. And I was sad about that.

So yeah, cutlets...

Megan said...

I have some chicken cutlets I'd sell ya for cheap!

Kristine said...

Great attitude! You'll be sexy and amazing I'm sure!

L. said...

You DO know you can buy a long-line girdle thing that goes from your mid-back to your almost knees with space in the cups for mucho cutlets. It smooths out EVERYTHING!

Come to think of it I was just your age when I wore that very girdle under my black lycra dress when I went to a formal do near the White house with your Dad (we were cheating on your Mom! Shhhh)
As we walked up to our table, the man across from me stood and said out loud "My ---, You're Beautiful!" (One of the little highlights of my life).

(Yes, the same black lycra dress you wore the following Halloween to play Mortitia - complete with 15 safety pins up the back to narrow it in, and a cloak over the whole thing to hide the pins.)

Omgirl said...

Mother, you may notice that such a girdle wouldn't look so good hanging out of my gold dress.

Also, I wore that dress when I was 17, that means you were in your late 40's...WAY older than I am now!!!!

M-Cat said...

Chicken cutlets are the BEST - do we get to come watch this competition and cheer you on?

Omgirl said...

Sure, Melissa. If you don't mind driving to Vegas!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad I don't have to spray, glue, stuff, cramp, smooth, tuck, plump, glitterify, or anything else other than put clothes on when I get dressed up. Maybe it's the dress exaggerating the bumps, valleys, and plains, but from the other pictures you've posted, you already looked great.