101 Ways To Ignore Your Responsibilities

# 24

Go to Amazon to buy a car charger for your new iPhone. Decided it will be more economical to get a charger/faceplate/screen protector combo. After looking through roughly 900 options, decide you should check ebay for a better deal before purchasing. 5 1/2 hours later, you will have a new car charger, 3 screen protectors, hard faceplate, soft faceplate, home charger, retractable USB cable, stylus (Why? Cause it was included!) and car holster for your iPhone. All for the bargain price of $8.99!

AND you will have sucessfully avoided all famililial responsibilities for the better part of a day. Win-win!

You're welcome.







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(High Sugar) Food For Thought

My husband emailed me this and I just couldn't help but pass it on. Some of it is actually quite startling.



Sugar Cube Math. Each cube is a teaspoonful.






































So what they're saying is, I should cut out my Cinnabon and McFlurry breakfast? SONOFA.



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Where's Oscar When You Need Him?

Guess what? It's time for a good old rant! Haven't had one in a while. But today I feel moved and motivated to let my opinions fly.

Today's subject? The Trash Man.

The Scenario: Yesterday was trash day. I took the trash out in the morning, like I always do. A couple hours later, I came home from running errands and noticed that my trash can was tipped over. It was a windy day, so it must have blown backwards. As I straightened it up, I saw that it was still full, so I left it on the curb. Later that day I noticed that most of the cans on the street had been pulled back in. I went to get mine....still full.

So I called Allied Waste today to tell them that my can had been skipped. She had no idea why this would be. Then I asked about the tipped can. If it was tipped, would the trash man just skip it? Oh yes, she said. That was policy. The trash man was not allowed to get out of the truck and straighten it up. Too dangerous.

TOO DANGEROUS? For the last hundred years since trash trucks have been around, the trash man got OUT of the truck, picked up the heavy trash can with his bare hands, and heaved the contents into the truck. But now, in this age of technology and scientific sophistication, it's now too dangerous for a man to step out of his truck and straighten the can so the truck's mechanical arm can pick it up??? Yeah. Sure. I mean, he might trip on his shoelace and fall under the wheels of the truck and the truck might go into gear by itself and drive forward by itself and run him over. OR the man might accidentally fall INTO the trash can as he's straightening it, and the truck might somehow pick the can up while the man is inside and dump him into the truck's belly. Or, heaven forbid, the trash man might sprain his pinkie while straightening the trash can. We can't have that, now can we? Yes, I see as I examine the situation that this really is a highly dangerous job. The trash man is much better off staying in the safety of his cab he isn't at risk for doing serious bodily damage.

Good thinking, Allied Waste. Thanks for saving the lives of countless trash men.


(I know I probably have much too high of expectations for someone who picks up trash for a living, but seriously, I've never seen such low standards for a public service job. EVER.)

There, now I feel better.

Xanadu!

Pretty much my first favorite movie. Starting when I was like 5 years old or whenever it came out, I wanted to BE Kira. I wanted to be a Muse. I wanted to dance with Jean Kelly. I wanted to wear barrettes with dangly beads. I wanted to roller skate everywhere I went.

I think I have found my Halloween costume for next year.



Anyone have some knee-high roller skates I can borrow?

Random November

1. There’s an evil flying bug in my bedroom.
2. I can’t hear it, but I see it fly by my computer screen every once in a while.
3. I hate having evil flying bugs in my bedroom close to bedtime.
4. I know as soon as I turn off the light, the evil flying bug will hover exclusively near my ear and will sound like a jet plane is landing in my room.
5. I also know that as soon as I turn the light back on, the bug will become invisible and mute.
6. I know that this cycle will repeat until it peaks at 3am.
7. And then at 3:01 am I will open my bedroom door, turn on a light in the hallway, get back in bed, pull the covers over my head, and pray that the bug likes the light in the hallway better than the intoxicating aroma of my ear wax.
8. Where are flying bugs coming from in November anyway? Shouldn’t they all be dead by now???
9. My laptop is making me want to blow my brains out.
10. It has become especially sensitive to the movement of my left hand lately.
11. My left hand never actually touches the laptop.
12. But occasionally it hovers near the surface of the mouse pad area, and its subtle movement as I type creates enough of a breeze that it causes my overly-sensitive cursor to jump 10 lines up in the text and words suddenly appear in the wrong spot.
13. After it does this 21,000 times during the writing of one blog post, I feel like blowing my brains out.
14. And the evil bug flying over the screen every 2 or 3 minutes doesn’t help my suicidal mood.
15. I gained 2 lbs on my mini-trip.
16. This also doesn’t help my mood.
17. I could tell that I gained 2 lbs before I even got on the scale because on the way home I noticed my gut hanging over the top of my jeans.
18. That happens when I get to this certain weight, exactly 5 lbs over my M.A.W.
19. I hate that. When my flab hangs over my jeans.
20. When I reach my M.A.W., it magically disappears.
21. I swear I’ve been yo-yoing the same 3 lbs for 6 months.
22. I was doing so well before my mini-trip.
23. Now those 2 lbs I lost are back.
24. I need to do something serious to drop below my M.A.W.
25. I am so sick of being at this weight.
26. I am seriously considering Alli.
27. I think occasionally crapping my pants might be worth it.
28. Because only looking slightly disgusting just doesn’t seem to be enough to motivate me to diet and exercise long enough to get there.
29. So maybe spontaneously soiling myself in public will.
30. I put Halloween away today.
31. As you know, I love to decorate for Halloween.
32. Someone told me that someone else said something disparaging about my outdoor Halloween décor.
33. It made me sad. And insecure about my outdoor Halloween décor.
34. And that makes me mad, that they’ve robbed me of the joy I used to feel in my Halloween décor.
35. Maybe by this time next year I’ll forget.
36. Or maybe I’ll just say, “Screw you. I LIKE it.”
37. But I value this person’s opinion, so probably not.
38. I also love to decorate for Christmas.
39. At least I have that to look forward to.
40. We caught Said Mouse!
41. After a few days without baiting the traps (to get Said Mouse nice and hungry), Big Daddy wedged a piece of cheese in the trap so tight that Said Mouse would HAVE to tug on it to get it out.
42. Day 1: Cheese still there. No mouse.
43. Day 2: Cheese still there. Said Mouse renamed Dead Mouse.
44. Daphne wanted to examine Dead Mouse.
45. I kept screaming, Don’t Touch It!!!
46. Daphne wanted to know who could make it alive.
47. I told her no one, it was dead.
48. Daphne told me, “Yes! Jesus can!”
49. I hate it when she’s smart like that.
50. I told Daphne that Dead Mouse wouldn’t be resurrected for a long long time.
51. Daphne asked, “When my kitty dies and goes to heaven, can I get a mouse?” (All future pet acquisition rests on the demise of our current pet, you see.)
52. I told her yes.
53. I hope that cat lives to a ripe old age.
54. I don’t really need any more mice running around my house.
55. I did P90X this morning.
56. I also ate 3 chocolate chip cookies because I had to make them for Daphne’s preschool and I just couldn’t resist.
57. I hate that I ate 3 chocolate chip cookies when I so desperately want to lose this weight.
58. Where is my willpower???
59. Where is my Dexatrim?
60. (Does Dexatrim work? )
61. (Someone please tell me if it does. I might buy stock.)
62. I probably won’t blog about Vegas.
63. There isn’t that much to tell.
64. I’m sorry that I haven’t read a lot of your blogs lately.
65. It’s me, not you.
66. I’ve been busy lately.
67. We’re building a shed.
68. I have been priming and painting in every spare minute.
69. I am at least 4 episodes behind on my Dancing With The Stars and 3 behind on my So You Think You Can Dance.
70. You know I am seriously short on free time when that happens.
71. I probably have 2 more days of priming and painting before I will have free time again.
72. I promise I will read your blog regularly again soon.
73. Please don’t take it personally.
74. You’re so generous to keep commenting on my blog as much as you have even though I haven’t been very reciprocating.
75. That’s more of a hint than a thank you, actually.
76. I have a compulsion for buying new clothes for my kids.
77. I love to shop end of season sales to get next year’s clothes at really good prices.
78. I spend way more money on their clothes than on my own.
79. I wish I could shop for myself without guilt.
80. But I can’t.
81. So I shop for my kids to satiate my shopping hunger because at least I can justify it; they grow out of their clothes every season. I only grow out of my clothes when I'm pregnant.
82. The cops emailed me.
83. They are still watching my neighbors.
84. They even pulled their trash but didn’t find enough evidence for a warrant.
85. I still see drug deals go down every few days.
86. I can’t wait for the day that I see blue and red lights out there instead of cars constantly coming and going.
87. Fall daylight savings is a gyp.
88. Everyone talks about how great it will be to sleep in an extra hour.
89. Tell that to my 4 year old.
90. Her body wakes her up at the same time, regardless of what the clock says.
91. I’ll take Spring Forward any day.
92. I really like Trident Tropical Fruit gum.
93. In the orange package.
94. You should try it.
95. I also like Rubio’s.
96. I’m pretty much addicted.
97. Their grilled gourmet mahi taco is to die for.
98. I eat one at least once a week.
99. It’s 11:27pm. I should go to bed.
100. I’ve got a hot date with an evil flying bug.

Obligatory Halloween Post

I am happy to say that we had the highest turnout of trick-or-treaters in the seven Halloweens we've lived here. Yay! I actually went through all my candy. I even bought a spare bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, just in case, and I ended up opening them and using all of them. Wait, that sucks now that I think about it! I was hoping to have to snack on them because they were left over. BUT I am happy to see my previously super-lame neighborhood finally get their act together on Halloween. (I think we had about 30 kids. That's good for the ghetto, where you're just as likely to get crack rocks in your sack as Snickers.)

As for my kids, they had a blast. They were both old enough to "get it." Miraculously, Daphne didn't walk into any houses this year! Beck, on the other hand, walked into two. Once he made it all the way back into the master bedroom at before we realized he wasn't on the doorstep with us anymore. Oops! Sorry about that, Neighbor.

We also hit double the houses this year. I could have gone on all night, and I'm sure Daphne could have too, but Beck petered out after 2 streets, up and down. Killjoy.

So, here are my lovely kids. (Oh and you may notice that they are dressed opposite to the way that 90% of you voted. As it turned out, they were out of the cowgirl costume I wanted in Daphne's size, and we decided it was unlikely that Beck would sport the braids in the Indian brave costume, so we went with the black and white cowboy and Indian squaw theme instead.) Beck, always so astute and p.c., announced at several houses, "Cowboys SHOOT Indians!" Thanks, Son. Now grab your M&M's and let's go.




Sadly, I packed up the Halloween decor today. Goodbye tombstones. Goodbye skeleton bones. Goodbye jack-o-lanterns and fake blood and spiders and webs. I'll see you in 10 months, 26 days.

Back To Life, Back To Reality

We (meaning me, Big Daddy, and our friends, uh, "Burt" and "Cher" "Brawlings"--all names have been changed to protect the innocent. That is, the guilty who called in sick to work--winkwink) took an impromptu trip to St.George and Lost Wages this last postweekend (it was Sunday through Tuesday, so techincally not the weekend). It was wonderful. But I'm too exhausted from all the partying we did to blog about it right now. It's a whopping 9:01pm and I think I'm going to head to bed and sleep off all the fun. So until I get time to blog for reals about it, I'll leave you with this fun image we spotted just outside Vegas. Be sure to read the license plate.