By Which I Offend Nearly Everyone, Even Star Wars Fans

If you haven't been around long enough to hear my opinions on baby names (1) boy, you must be new around here and (2) be prepared to leave in a huff. Because I'm going to lay it out how I see it. And there is a very high chance one or more of your children's names will be on my not-so-favorite list. I'm sorry, in advance. But since my readership has plummeted into the wee single digits already, I figure it's as good a time as any to get on my child-naming soapbox.


1) I am not a fan of using trendy names. Personally. I know a lot of people are. That's how they become trendy. But for me, I just prefer something a little less common. What is a trendy name to me? It's the name that you hear all the time, the one that is shouted from every playground bench and into the bottom of every McDonalds playland tube slide. Often trendy names are last names made to be first names. They tend to end in -en/-on or -er/or, especially for boys. For girls, they can be last names too, but lately they tend to be cute old-fashioned names that have come back in style... with a vengeance. It's sad about those names. Because on their own I probably would have really liked each and every one of them. But once they reach the top 100 in popularity nationally, forget it. Overplayed is not my thing. It might be your thing. And that's OK. But I just can't do trendy. (Seriously, though, there are some very cute names on this list! So I'm not saying your child's name is ugly. )


2) I strongly dislike made-up names. You've heard a lot of these too, especially if you live in Utah. They sound vaguely familiar. They might use syllables from more popular names. But then the ending is changed, or part of another name is added, or they are made up altogether. These names are born of good intentions, I believe. A desire to be unique and different is something I can relate to. But once names become too kreeaytiv, I just can't abide them.


3) Which brings me to my third category: I despise, DESPISE alternate spellings for common names. In my mind, it doesn't show more creativity. Or make the child more unique. All it does is confuse the poor kid when they are learning to read and write, and cause every human being for the rest of their life to spell their name wrong. Again, I apologize if you are in the camp of loving unique spellings for common names. (Your name is probably Lisa or Jennifer or Heather, right? You certainly didn't grow up having to spell "A-R-I-A-N-N-E" twenty times a day, I'm guessing.)

So in the end, the best names, in my book, are usually traditional. You've heard them before, but not often. They are easy to say, spell, and remember, but they are slightly off the beaten path. And they are definitely not common enough that there will ever be multiple children in the same classroom with that name. (Irony approaching. Be prepared to mock.)



There is an actual plot to this blog post, though. It's not just a friend-losing post. So if you haven't been infuriated yet, read on?

After quite a lot of do-si-do-ing with this school and that, charter vs public, morning vs afternoon, I finally got Daphne into a charter school that I am reasonably pleased with, and, more importantly (FAR more importantly), I got her into the afternoon class of Kindergarten for the fall. HALLELUIA. So this week I got the class lists from the Kindergarten teacher.

The first thing I noticed when I got them was the plethora of uber-trendy names present: (Click to enlarge)


What jumped out to me next was, of course, the horrific spellings of common names. There were some doozies on the class lists. (Click to enlarge)



As I scanned down to Daphne's class, you can imagine my horror when I saw this:

Not only is there another Daphne in her school, and in her grade, there is one IN HER CLASS--after we specifically chose the name Daphne on the likelihood of there never being another Daphne in her class! AND the other Daphne is right next to her in alphabetical order! You could have scraped my chin off the floor with a spatula. (On a more pleasant note, I can't wait to meet Daphne W's parents and see what their other kids are named!)


The last thing I noticed, as I scanned through the lists, was this I-KID-YOU-NOT name. I didn't make this up. It isn't a type-o. Take a look-see....



Well, after all I said above about kids' names, I take it all back. Name your kid whatever you want! Name them any variation, any spelling, name them the #1 name in America spelled with all the 'y's and 'x's you want. Because from now on, any name beats R2.

Except...maybe... Renesmee.