1. There’s an evil flying bug in my bedroom.
2. I can’t hear it, but I see it fly by my computer screen every once in a while.
3. I hate having evil flying bugs in my bedroom close to bedtime.
4. I know as soon as I turn off the light, the evil flying bug will hover exclusively near my ear and will sound like a jet plane is landing in my room.
5. I also know that as soon as I turn the light back on, the bug will become invisible and mute.
6. I know that this cycle will repeat until it peaks at 3am.
7. And then at 3:01 am I will open my bedroom door, turn on a light in the hallway, get back in bed, pull the covers over my head, and pray that the bug likes the light in the hallway better than the intoxicating aroma of my ear wax.
8. Where are flying bugs coming from in November anyway? Shouldn’t they all be dead by now???
9. My laptop is making me want to blow my brains out.
10. It has become especially sensitive to the movement of my left hand lately.
11. My left hand never actually touches the laptop.
12. But occasionally it hovers near the surface of the mouse pad area, and its subtle movement as I type creates enough of a breeze that it causes my overly-sensitive cursor to jump 10 lines up in the text and words suddenly appear in the wrong spot.
13. After it does this 21,000 times during the writing of one blog post, I feel like blowing my brains out.
14. And the evil bug flying over the screen every 2 or 3 minutes doesn’t help my suicidal mood.
15. I gained 2 lbs on my mini-trip.
16. This also doesn’t help my mood.
17. I could tell that I gained 2 lbs before I even got on the scale because on the way home I noticed my gut hanging over the top of my jeans.
18. That happens when I get to this certain weight, exactly 5 lbs over my M.A.W.
19. I hate that. When my flab hangs over my jeans.
20. When I reach my M.A.W., it magically disappears.
21. I swear I’ve been yo-yoing the same 3 lbs for 6 months.
22. I was doing so well before my mini-trip.
23. Now those 2 lbs I lost are back.
24. I need to do something serious to drop below my M.A.W.
25. I am so sick of being at this weight.
26. I am seriously considering Alli.
27. I think occasionally crapping my pants might be worth it.
28. Because only looking slightly disgusting just doesn’t seem to be enough to motivate me to diet and exercise long enough to get there.
29. So maybe spontaneously soiling myself in public will.
30. I put Halloween away today.
31. As you know, I love to decorate for Halloween.
32. Someone told me that someone else said something disparaging about my outdoor Halloween décor.
33. It made me sad. And insecure about my outdoor Halloween décor.
34. And that makes me mad, that they’ve robbed me of the joy I used to feel in my Halloween décor.
35. Maybe by this time next year I’ll forget.
36. Or maybe I’ll just say, “Screw you. I LIKE it.”
37. But I value this person’s opinion, so probably not.
38. I also love to decorate for Christmas.
39. At least I have that to look forward to.
40. We caught Said Mouse!
41. After a few days without baiting the traps (to get Said Mouse nice and hungry), Big Daddy wedged a piece of cheese in the trap so tight that Said Mouse would HAVE to tug on it to get it out.
42. Day 1: Cheese still there. No mouse.
43. Day 2: Cheese still there. Said Mouse renamed Dead Mouse.
44. Daphne wanted to examine Dead Mouse.
45. I kept screaming, Don’t Touch It!!!
46. Daphne wanted to know who could make it alive.
47. I told her no one, it was dead.
48. Daphne told me, “Yes! Jesus can!”
49. I hate it when she’s smart like that.
50. I told Daphne that Dead Mouse wouldn’t be resurrected for a long long time.
51. Daphne asked, “When my kitty dies and goes to heaven, can I get a mouse?” (All future pet acquisition rests on the demise of our current pet, you see.)
52. I told her yes.
53. I hope that cat lives to a ripe old age.
54. I don’t really need any more mice running around my house.
55. I did P90X this morning.
56. I also ate 3 chocolate chip cookies because I had to make them for Daphne’s preschool and I just couldn’t resist.
57. I hate that I ate 3 chocolate chip cookies when I so desperately want to lose this weight.
58. Where is my willpower???
59. Where is my Dexatrim?
60. (Does Dexatrim work? )
61. (Someone please tell me if it does. I might buy stock.)
62. I probably won’t blog about Vegas.
63. There isn’t that much to tell.
64. I’m sorry that I haven’t read a lot of your blogs lately.
65. It’s me, not you.
66. I’ve been busy lately.
67. We’re building a shed.
68. I have been priming and painting in every spare minute.
69. I am at least 4 episodes behind on my Dancing With The Stars and 3 behind on my So You Think You Can Dance.
70. You know I am seriously short on free time when that happens.
71. I probably have 2 more days of priming and painting before I will have free time again.
72. I promise I will read your blog regularly again soon.
73. Please don’t take it personally.
74. You’re so generous to keep commenting on my blog as much as you have even though I haven’t been very reciprocating.
75. That’s more of a hint than a thank you, actually.
76. I have a compulsion for buying new clothes for my kids.
77. I love to shop end of season sales to get next year’s clothes at really good prices.
78. I spend way more money on their clothes than on my own.
79. I wish I could shop for myself without guilt.
80. But I can’t.
81. So I shop for my kids to satiate my shopping hunger because at least I can justify it; they grow out of their clothes every season. I only grow out of my clothes when I'm pregnant.
82. The cops emailed me.
83. They are still watching my neighbors.
84. They even pulled their trash but didn’t find enough evidence for a warrant.
85. I still see drug deals go down every few days.
86. I can’t wait for the day that I see blue and red lights out there instead of cars constantly coming and going.
87. Fall daylight savings is a gyp.
88. Everyone talks about how great it will be to sleep in an extra hour.
89. Tell that to my 4 year old.
90. Her body wakes her up at the same time, regardless of what the clock says.
91. I’ll take Spring Forward any day.
92. I really like Trident Tropical Fruit gum.
93. In the orange package.
94. You should try it.
95. I also like Rubio’s.
96. I’m pretty much addicted.
97. Their grilled gourmet mahi taco is to die for.
98. I eat one at least once a week.
99. It’s 11:27pm. I should go to bed.
100. I’ve got a hot date with an evil flying bug.