Monday, October 5, 2009
I want to kill myself.
Actually, that's not true. What I want is to stab both of my eyes out. But I'm pretty sure death would follow, so I might as well skip straight to killing myself.
I have double pink eye. Pink eyes, I guess you would call it. Thank you, Beck. (Aren't mothers supposed to get automatic immunity so that they can care for their young?) Beck got over it after 24 hours of antibiotic drops. Me? Not so much. I woke up on Saturday morning with my right eye red and gooey and sore. And since Beck had just been diagnosed the day before with pink eye, and I had all the symptoms, plus a triple refill from the Doc for just such an occurrence, I began self-medication right away.
Flash forward to Sunday....Beck's eyes were fine. My right eye? Completely crusted shut during the night. And swollen. I'm talking swollen nearly to the point that I couldn't open it. Here...picture three large marshmallows, large pink marshmallows, pressed together with a chocolate chip in the middle. That would be my eyeball. Yep, that's how I looked. Big Daddy said it wasn't so bad, I just needed an eye patch. Thanks, Hon.
After the hours of pain, constant wiping of goo, crusting of the lashes, and scaring of the children with my hideousness was too much to bear, I took myself to the Instacare. The doctor proceeded to poke and prod my eyeball for 20 minutes and pour at least four kinds of medication into my eye "just to see" if I might have this or that other eye problem. I didn't. So in the end I walked away with a near coronary from having my eyes poked and prodded, and a stronger eye drop prescription.
Flash forward to today. Some time during the night my right eye went from looking like I had been slugged by Ivan Drago to looking like I had been punched by Miss Piggy (that would be an improvement in case you're not sure). But my left eye? You guessed it. Crusted shut, beet red, raging.
It's not so bad, Big Daddy says. You just need another eye patch.
Darn, I'm just a few days too early to dress up as One-Eyed Willie for Halloween. Er, make that No-Eyed Willie.
Please. Just get me a nice sharp knife so I can cut my eyes out. Or a loaded gun would work too. Ok, fine. I guess a pair of eye patches will have to suffice. But could you at least make them gold-studded? ARRRR, Matey!