My Crazy, Mixed-Up, Horrible, Unfortunate, Frustrating, Very Bad Day

I'll end your pity and suspense right now by telling you that everything ended up OK. First of all, I didn't actually go crazy, kill myself, kill my children, go on a shooting rampage, or throw the cake onto the floor. I just want you to know that before I begin in case you get worried as the story progresses.

I started the morning by realizing that the same load of laundry was sitting in a basket in my room that had been sitting there for at least three or four days.
This is not normal for me. I usually enjoy doing the laundry. Not only is it a good excuse to turn on a nice medical show like The Boy With No Skin or The 750 Pound Tumor that I can sort laundry while listening to (because a lot of those shows you don't actually have to watch--and sometimes the close ups of the Siamese twinectomies make me a little woozy anyway), but it also fills the drawers with matching, organized, carefully folded clothes for me and my kids, which gives me some sort of freakish OCD pleasure. But the week had gotten away from me somehow and the laundry was still sitting there, glaring at me impatiently. So I threw it on top of the laptop on my bed so that I would HAVE to sort it before I could get to the computer.

Then, because I'm smarter than my laundry, I shoved it out of the way and got online. But this was no social visit. I had a train cake masterpiece to create for my son's pseudo-birthday. And I needed inspiration. Three hours and 27 minutes later, I had plenty of train cake masterpiece pictures to look at, a good recipe for buttercream frosting, 5 new shirts and 3 pairs of jeans from Old Navy (Ok I got sidetracked for a while), and the realization that I was never going to be able to make a decent-looking train cake.

So I gritted my teeth and decided to do what every good baker does in the face of a daunting cake...check the mail for new catalogues. Unfortunately, there weren't any good catalogues today. Just bills. And not just any bills, BAD bills. The kind that say IRS on them and CitiBank and Old Navy. And in an attempt to procrastinate my cake nightmare even longer, I decided to actually open the dreaded letters. The one from the IRS said that I owed them $5694 for a charge off from Chase Bank from 2 years ago. Chase bank filed a 1099 in that amount and now the IRS wanted me to compensate Chase for their loss out of my taxes. Or something. I'm no Al Capone. I just pay what I owe. Usually. But in this case Chase was wrong. They conveniently forgot that they sold my debt to a third party collector (aren't you loving this glimpse at my dirty laundry?) so they, by obscure tax law that my tax guy told me about, cannot file a 1099 loss. AND, I have already tried to convince the IRS of this fact. And sent them proof (in the form of many letters attempting to secure this amount by said collection agency), which they then ignored and told me I needed Chase to send them a letter affirming my claims. But...HELLO!....if Chase was aware of this or wanted to be honest about it, WHY WOULD THEY HAVE FILED THE 1099 IN THE FIRST PLACE? So yeah, that bought me another good 45 minutes of not making a cake while I fumed and threw objects around the kitchen.

Next I opened my bank statement. This one is always good for several hours of avoiding whatever you should be doing. And there on my bank statement was a charge for $40 from the company I hired to make me buff at the gym last summer. LAST SUMMER. As in, I stopped the hopeless task of trying to become buff in JUNE and they were still charging me in DECEMBER. A 45 minute call later, involving several peons, I was more riled up than before. The peons refused to refund me any money because I had somehow signed up for the auto renew. How? Oh, I guess it was in the teeny tiny print that covered the entire back of my contract. Never mind that I hadn't used a trainer for a session in six months. No, the contract said they could charge me until I give them 30 days notice of cancellation or the hair from a winged, golden Unicorn. I asked to speak to a manager. They put me back on hold.

So, nice and red-faced and pissed as hell, I decided it was a good time to start on the cake. So I went to work making two kinds of cake in 3 different loaf pans, 4 mini loaf pans, and 2 cupcake holes. Just about the time the cakes should have been done, the supervisor got on the line. We proceeded to go the rounds on whether or not it was honest, ethical, or in any way good business practice to follow the technicalities of the contract and charge someone for something they had never used, and on whether two bad knees, a bad shoulder, two toddlers, and a penchant for baked goods constituted a permanent disability (which would be the only way she might refund any of my money).

Right about this time, Daphne spiked a fever, became irrationally upset, wet her pants thoroughly, and starting screaming about needing chocolate. Beck also chose this moment to express his unhappiness for the shot he had gotten the previous day at the doctor's office. The were both screaming and crying and pulling on my legs. This made the supervisor especially sympathetic to my cause.

So to make this long story slightly shorter, I forgot about the cakes. When I finally remembered them, they were quite brown. And they had huge humps in the middle--not very train car like. My husband, who was supposed to be home early to help me get ready for the pseudo-party, was MIA. I still needed to get up some Christmas lights outside. My children were still sobbing uncontrollably about chocolate (Beck had joined her plight by now). And I was strongly considering either committing mass murder and then suicide (now you finally know what drives people to that conclusion) or else moving to Bangladesh, abandoning my social security number, and changing my name to Saraswati.

But as I said, it all turned out OK. My children got medicated, my husband showed up with two kinds of licorice, candy, and mini Oreos for my cake, so the cake got finished. AND he wrangled the kids to a safe distance out of my striking range, smart man. The kids' moods turned giddy as soon as Grandma and Grandpa showed up. And no one noticed that I never got to that load of laundry now flung all over my bed. The only thing remaining on my to do list after that long day involved either bullets, Anthrax powder, or a car bomb and an unnamed government agency. Oh, and a manager from No-Sympathy Fitness. Hey, I'm not perfect.

I'm the Worst Mommy Ever

It's three days past my son's birthday. No four. And he hasn't had a party. Or opened presents. Or eaten cake. Or blown out his candles. He doesn't even know he just turned two. Except that I told him on that day, "Beck, you're two!" After which he said, "One, two, cinco!" so I don't think he got it. He did look kind of intrigued for a second when I also said, "Happy Birthday!" But the concept of a birthday is very abstract for him also. Yesterday I gave him a toothpick hoping to inspire him to eat some of his hot dogs. He speared one slice of hot dog, turned it over, looked at it for a minute and cheerfully exclaimed, "Ha Birday!" Sure, a ring of hot dog with a toothpick sticking out DOES sort of resemble a cake with a candle, but still, I don't think he quite gets it. That should probaly relieve some of my guilt. But it doesn't. Becuase I know that we have skipped his birthday. It wasn't intentional. First, I decided to take on a party the night of his birthday. I didn't figure he'd care since he'd be in bed already. And since we were planning on doing a family party for him the next day. But then he got super sick. Sick like he had shiners of sickness under his weeping eyes, heat rash on his face from his fever, an ear infection, a congested cough, and he turned down all food including cake. CAKE, people! So then I had to text the whole family (I love how technology allows me to get the dirty work down without the details) to let them know that his birthday was postponed. And then once I did that, the joy of not having to scour my house and create an amazing, whimsical train cake from scratch, and the loss of guilt from not having found him the present I wanted to get him in time, made me realize that I really didn't want to throw him a party. He would never know. And Christmas is in 2 1/2 weeks anyway. He'll get plenty of presents then, right? Plus, I'm suffering from a big of relative/money/codependency anger anyway. Not the best disposition for a hostess.

But then the blessing of Mother-Shame descended on me. First of all, you can't skip your child's birthday, even if he's only turning two. Someday he'll look back at his photo album and wonder why there weren't any pictures from his second birthday. And then you'll have to lie and say that the camera was dead that day. Or you'll have to do some quick photoshop work and swap his head with his sister's from her 2nd birthday party and hope he doesn't notice her dress on him. No, better to avoid that route altogether. Also, you can't skip your child's birthday when his birthday is in December. Because then you turn into one of those horrible Scroogy parents who thinks they can get away with one present that counts for the child's birthday and Christmas just because they were unfortunate enough to be born in December. I always swore I'd never do that. But the biggest reason I cannot blow off Beck's birthday is because he is the second child. The notoriously ignored, forgotten, undocumented second child. I am that child also. And so is my husband. Granted, we both turned out awesome. But usually that child is a total screw up. So we both always swore we'd never neglect our second child like every other second child in history was neglected. We swore to make it a goal to give him everything we gave his older sister--the attention, the official documentation at major life events, and the new clothing and toys. Well, we have already failed on some of that. Especially the new toys. And the attention. And the documention at official life events. But he does get new clothes! Pink isn't really his color anyway.

So, now to get back to the planning the birthday party. It's tomorrow. I've texted the family to re-invie them. I've bought the birthday chip cake and small sacks of candy to fill up the cargo cars on the train cake I am going to make. I've scrubbed all the red towel lint out from behind the pedestal sinks in the main bathroom. (Ok, that's a lie. I never do that. It will be there when I die. But I have wiped off the kitchen counter tops. So cut me some slack. OK?) I have ordered the present I wanted to get him...EXPRESS MAIL (Ack! do you know the shipping on that???), so it will get here in time. He is all doped up on Benedryl, Dimatap, Amoxacillan, and Falcon Eye Drops. I'm ready. Is there anything I've forgotten to do? Oh yeah. Change the date on the camera.

Christmas Quizacle

I love a good questionnaire, so here goes...


1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? I save gift bags for birthdays and showers. For Christmas, it has to be wrapping paper.

2. Real tree or artificial? I prefer a real tree for looks and smell. But I have to say that the clean up and ease in keeping our new artificial tree alive is pretty sweet.

3. When do you put up the tree? The first day in December usually. This year it was the 4th because I was on vacation.

4. When do you take the tree down? January 2nd.

5. Do you like eggnog? Yes, but only in small portions.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Kittens: Holly and Ivy.

7. Do you have a Nativity scene? I finally got one last year. But I want another one. A bigger, more detailed one. The one I have is pretty simple.

8. Hardest person to buy for? My BIL Darren. He buys whatever he wants when he wants it and I don't know his taste in personal items well enough to shop for him.

9. Easiest person to buy for? My sister. I know her taste really well.

10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I can't think of anything specific. I'm usually pretty grateful for whatever I get.

11. Mail or e-mail Christmas cards? Mail all the way! Real cards. If someone sent me an e-Christmas card, I'd send them an e-finger! FYI :)

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Elf

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? A few things in November, most in early December, a few stragler items on Christmas eve!

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? I don't think so.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Eggnog milkshake or peppermint ice cream.

16 Clear lights or colored on the tree? Although there is something romantic to the colored light glow, I go with white for my tree because my other decorations are so multi-colored.

17. Favorite Christmas song? Away in a Manger. Makes me cry every time. When I was in primary, I'd cry during every opening exercises the entire month of December.

18 Travel at Christmas or stay home? Home, if I can help it.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? yes. Do you think I'm retarded?

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Star. LIT star.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? We open one present on Christmas Eve and the rest in the morning.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? Christmas music just after Halloween.

23. Favorite Christmas tradition? We don't have a lot of Christmas traditions in my family. But I do like that my family opens presents one at a time, youngest to oldest and back to youngest. That way we get to see what each person gets. My in-laws do a present free-for-all and then you have no idea if the people liked the presents you gave or what anyone else got.

24. Up early or sleeping in? I'd LOVE to sleep in. Isn't likely to happen. (I always slept late as a kid, as late as my early bird sister would let me).

25. Who hands out the gifts? As a kid, it was my sister Jennie. I guess we'll have to form a new tradition as my own kids get older.

26. Does Santa wrap your gifts? It remains to be seen. This is the year that Santa will be visiting our house for real.

27. Do you tell the Christmas story? Haven't yet. I guess we'll have to start that tradition too. I think we'll get out the nativity scene and show the kids the story that way.

28. Do you leave cookies for Santa? Ooo, that's another one I haven't thought about. See, when you have your first child finally old enough to think about and understand Santa, you have to figure out all these details!

I'm adding one more...

29. Where are your stockings hung? Since we don't have a fireplace or mantel, they are hung on our upright piano (Which is where the old fireplace used to be. so I think santa can find them OK.)

Merry Christmas! And consider yourself TAGGED! (Thanks, TIB!)

Beck's First Love

The other day while Tiburon and I were gabbing away over our Cafe Rio birthday food, Beck had his first kiss. From A GIRL. ON THE LIPS. I know he seems a bit young, but it's never too early to hone your kissing skills, I think. Here is the lucky lady. And isn't she a doll?



And their mothers aren't too shabby either, right?

Christma-Cola

I didn't think it was possible for Coke to get any better. Or Christmas. But they both just did. They got married and had this fabulous baby. Check it out.



It's like a Coke bomb--those old fashioned kind like the ones that the Road Runner left around for Wiley Coyote. But less explosive. And more yummy. Courtesy of Smiths Marketplace (and brought to me by my own personal Coke delivery girl. Sorry, I think she only works for me. You're going to have to get your own delivery girl.)

Thanks Kelli!

My Hot List

Poor me. I had to stay home from church today while the babies napped. It sucks, I know. But I'm trying to make the most of it. I'm trying to use that time really constructively. Like to make a Hot List. So without futher ado, here are my top 10 hotties:

10. Matthew McConaughey. He has to get last place. Not for lack of hotness. But because, from all accounts, he is an a-hole and a freakin weirdo. And because he just might be losing some hair, which automatically knocks his hotness factor down several slots. Bald can be sexy. BaldING, not so much.


9. Naveen Andrews. Don't call me crazy on this one. He's not like go-screaming-down-the-street-after-him-trying-to-throw-your-panties-at-him-gorgeous. This is probably more of an issue of character than actual person, but there is SO much sex appeal to Naveen Andrews as Sayid from Lost. I've seen him in other stuff and he never really did it for me then (except I also found him captivating as the Sikh in The English Patient.) But as strong, clever, tough yet soft-hearted Sayid...well, let's just say he DOES do it for me.



8. Taye Diggs. What is there to say besides, hot, hot, and hot? Oh yeah. BABE.



7. Josh Holloway. It's probably just the dimples. Or maybe he appeals to the part of me that likes a bad boy (as Sawyer on Lost). Anyway, he is hot enough to make it on my list for the dimples alone.



6. Ewan McGregor. There is no accent more sexy to me than a Scottish one. You can keep your English, Australian, French, and Irish accents. Give me a decent looking Scott any day, and I will find him droolingly delicious. If he's actually handsome, well then that will rocket him to the top of my list. I suspect Ewan McGregor is really only moderately good looking. But as soon as he talks I forget that.



5. David Duchovney. It kills me that he's married to Tea Leoni because I'm not a Tea fan. But that David....ooooo, he melts my heart. I was a HUGE X-Files fan back in the day and I just about died for David Duchovney back then.



4. Brad Pitt. Although I truly hate to put him on the list because, well, it seems so trite, I just can't get away from the fact that the man really is very very hot. He has dimples that make me swoon. Still. After all the hollywood gossip and everything, even after marrying Angelina Jolie, he is still Brad freaking Pitt.



3. Harrison Ford. Never mind that he's my mother's age. He STILL has more sex appeal than the top 30 other hottest men in Hollywood COMBINED. Granted, he's a little older now. He's showing it. But circa 1980? Mamma. In fact, except for my #1 pick below, I'd say if I could choose any many from any time in all the world, it would be Harrison Ford in the early Star Wars days. Yowza.



2. Jude Law. I'm breathing more heavily just typing his name. Man, this guy is gorgeous. I AM talking go-screaming-down-the-street-after-him-trying-to-throw-your-panties-at-him-gorgeous. And if I had the chance, I probably would. I'm sure he'd be very impressed by that move.



1. George Clooney. I am a late-comer to the George Clooney Fan Club. Back in the ER days I couldn't understand what all the fuss was about. I'd look at him and really not see anything especially attractive about him. Honestly. Plus it was all the rage back then to be in love with George Clooney, so I wasn't about to jump on that bandwagon. It wasn't until years later when I saw him in Oh Brother Where Art Thou? that I really started to like him. I loved that he could be funny and that he didn't take himself too seriously. I think I really fell in love with him when I saw Intolerable Cruelty: debonair, charming, sarcastic, witty, and, of course, damn hot. And ever since then I've become a bigger and bigger fan. Not only of his face, but of his work. I just love an actor/celebrity that can laugh at himself and be stupid on camera. So George gets my #1 slot.




I also have to give honorable mention to Matt Damon for being cute but even more likable in personality. I used to think my sister was crazy for thinking him totally hot. But now I get it. And I think Luke Wilson is also kind of good looking, even with that weird nose, and probably really nice in real life. I used to have the hugest crush ever on Eric Schweig who played Uncas in Last of the Mohicans. But I haven't seen him in anything since then, so I can't vouch for him now. Sean Connery in his hay day would certainly have made it to the very top of my list. And Jimmy Falon is very cute. I get the feeling he's probably the kind of guy who would make a good boyfriend--nice, funny, real. Yeah, he deserves at least an honorable mention.

I'm sure there are a few that I forgot. I might have to edit my list when I read your comments and see who you like. But this is it for now.

Who's on your hot list? Seeing as how it's Sunday, you should probably just skip church to do a list of your own. I'll be waiting....

I Have a Two Year Old

His Name is Beck.

He was born 2 years ago today, at 1pm after a very long night of waiting for him to come.

He has a dimple in his right cheek that makes me swoon whenever he smiles.

He's obsessed with trains and walks around the house saying "All Aboard!" all day.

He's a very good singer and remembers the words to almost every song.

He is very talented at finding open cupboards and relieving them of their contents.

He is sweet and loving and mostly good.

Before I had Beck, I didn't know if I could love a boy. Does that sound crazy? Well, I really only wanted girls. Now he is the love of my life. My sweetest joy. The love of my life. Did I just say that? I guess I it must be true. Either that or I shouldn't try to type while watching TV.

Have a wonderful birthday, Bubba!