Parenting For Lazy People

You know how every birthday and Christmas you try to have one big, awesome present to top all the rest? A pièce de résistance, if you will? Well, last Christmas, it was bunnies. Real, live, baby bunnies. Nothing could top that, we knew. But we also knew that Beck would most likely be terrified of the bunnies (he was, uh, still is) and that Daphne would be so infatuated with them that we'd have to limit her 1 on 1 time with them in order to preserve their lives (we've already had at least one incident that ended with bunny blood being spilt). So we wanted to provide some other super fun gift that would not lose its novelty so fast and which might actually provide some educational value. Racking my brain, a few days before Christmas I came across the Leapfrog Tag system. Quickly, and without reading any reviews (shame on me!), I ordered a Leapfrog Tag Reading System from Amazon that came with 12 different books. I ordered it fast mail for $12 extra dollars so the kids could have it in time for Christmas.

On Christmas, the Leapfrog Tag reading system was not under the tree. It arrived FOUR DAYS after Christmas, even though the cat drinking fountain filters I ordered 2 days before Christmas, not for Flossie's Christmas present, and not with expedited shipping, arrived Christmas Eve. Boo hisss!

But seeing as how most of the presents on Christmas morning tend to blend into one mad, chaotic scene and lose their potency, I figured having the kids open this present a few days later wouldn't be such a bad thing. Plus, it would give the bunnies a few day to take center stage and then be forgotten (yep).

Well, flash forward four months....That leapfrog system gets even less play than the now rather large bunnies. It is the stupidest invention ever! Let me give you my mock commercial for this device:

"Parents, want to avoid spending any time with your kids at all while pretending they're learning how to read? Then get the Leapfrog Tag System! The included electronic pen will allow your kids to touch all the pictures in the page to hear their sound effects over and over until you want to shoot yourself, or let them push the "read" button so the text is read allowed by a sterile mechanical voice, while ensuring that they never push the tiny diamond at the end of the text that lets them sound out the words or hear the letter sounds. So you will never have to read to your kids again AND they will never get any closer to learning how to read. Perfect!"

Ya, that pretty much sums it up. So let me make a recommendation for any of you with young children for the next birthday or Christmas: Don't get the Leapfrog Tag System. Get them cat drinking fountain filters. They'll be much more useful and 99% less guilt-inducing when you toss them in the nearest trash.

Santa Baby

Why is it that as you get older, you want less and less for Christmas but the things you want cost more and more? I can only think of half a dozen things I really want for Christmas this year, and all of them cost more than I could probably earn for selling a child. (Anyone in the market? I know a very talkative 4 year old who would love to live with you.)


1) A new sapphire for my engagement ring. This is truly the ultimate in frivolity. But I can't help it. The stone on my ring looks black. People always ask me what stone it is. "Is it onyx?" No it's not onyx! Who would get an engagement ring with onyx in it??? Well, clearly it looks like I would. Hence, the desire for a bluer sapphire. I really don't think a couple hundred dollars could be put to better use. Those so-called starving children in Africa don't look that hungry to me.


2) A video camera. My digital still camera has a video feature, and in good lighting, at one static distance, for short periods of taping, it works fine. We've used it to take tons of little videos like Beck singing the sound of music with Daphne's fairy costume on, and Daphne running around naked sticking out her bum and yelling, "Waka waka waka!" You know, everyday stuff like that. But as soon as you try to zoom in, it goes dark. Or if you want to take something for longer than 90 seconds, like a recital or birthday party, it cuts off into 10 tiny segments. And forget taping in medium to low light; those boudoir videos are a no-go. So someday it would be nice to have a real video camera. Someday when I win the elusive $400 lottery.

3) Speaking of cameras, I'd love to have a really nice digital SLR camera. I have a digital point and shoot. But it lacks the ability to really play with the settings and take creative, professional looking shots. Somewhere buried in my house I have a classic SLR camera. But it uses film (do they even still develop real film??). And it doesn't allow you to see your shots as you go, which means experimenting with different settings is nearly pointless--you won't see the results of your setting changes until you get the film developed. If they even still develop film. So someday, when I have $600 lying around, I'd like a digital SLR camera.


4) Reebok EasyTone shoes. They're the ones you've seen in the commercials that tone your butt and legs just by walking around. I watched a whole exposé show about them, and they really do work. I'm all over that. For only a cool $100 I can quit working out. My lower body.



5) Lasering. I've already had my legs and bikini lasered. And I think nearly every day of my life how it was the best money I've ever spent. Not having to shave my legs (or slice up my poor husband's legs all summer long when we come into contact with each other) is wonderful. But I have a few more areas that I'd like to have worked on. Like...all of them. So as soon as I can come up with a grand or two for total body hair removal, I will be as smooth as a newborn rat. But hopefully not as revolting.



6) A steam mop. This one is probably my most justifiable request. Because it actually involves cleaning. And gifts that involve cleaning don't really count as gifts. They're necessities, right? My second least favorite job to do around the house is mopping. I just hate it. And our mop does such a terrible job on the bathroom tile that I must admit our bathroom tile doesn't get cleaned nearly as often is it should. The hippo tank at the zoo is probably more sanitary. So the steam mop will kill two germs with one stone: I might actually clean the floor, and if I do, it will use all 220 degrees of heating power to kill off anything I might have missed. And the fact that the one I want is only $69 means I might actually see an Amazon box under the tree this year.

As for the other things, I think me and my onyx ring will just have to wait. Unless you know a sugar daddy in the market for a 35 year old mother of two with a faint mustache who hates to mop. Then pass my number his way!

For That Hard-To-Buy-For Man In Your LIfe

Last night while meticulously supervising our kids in the bathtub, my husband stumbled upon this website www.typetees.com. Very funny. And good for that (man) or woman in your life who has everything else already. Overnight shipping? Done.

(Click to enlarge if you can't read the shirts)