Uppsen Downes

Did anyone local see that thing on the news last week about that police officer who was shot in the leg of duty, uh, line of duty? Officer Downes? Yeah, I'm not even joking about his first name. Uppsen.

Anyway, it brought to mind what is on my mind 99% of the time right now: The Uppsen Downes of pregnancy.

Don't worry, this isn't going to turn into a pregnancy whining blog.

Probably.

I guess if it does, I'll have to go out and find a whole new readership of people who love to hear a woman whine about being pregnant. AKA other pregnant women.

In the meantime, maybe you can handle one whiny post. Maybe you can drum up old, buried memories from that place in your brain you try to keep tightly locked, that place you hope never to think about again after you have a baby. Or maybe you can pull from your vivid imagination if you've never been pregnant. Or you can use your incredible powers of empathy and just say "Awwww, poor baby" a lot. Whatever. Just hear me out.

First off, let me say that I'm only 7 weeks pregnant. My baby is currently the size of a piece of puffed rice. Sugar Smack-sized, for those of you non-health nuts. It doesn't seem like anything in your body that is Sugar Smack-sized should be able to affect you much, let alone wreak havoc on you. Except maybe a bullet. A Sugar Smack-sized bullet might. But not a tiny Sugar Smack-sized clump of cells with little arm paddles and bulging alien eyes and a tail. Yet there it is...my body has been wreaked havoc upon by a strange cereal sized creature in the following ways:

1. I can't breathe. This is by far the worst, most annoying most debilitating symptom of pregnancy for me. Almost immediately, my nasal tissues swell shut and very little air gets through, especially at night. Especially during allergy season. I also can't take any decongestants. So all I can do is wear a Breathe Right Strip at night and hope for the best. (The best usually means fitful sleep, tossing and turning, snoring, mouth breathing, and driving your husband insane, in between getting up to pee for the 10th time).

2. Which leads me to number two. Well, number one, technically. Peeing. Again, how does a Sugar Smack-sized baby cause me to have to pee so much? Seriously?!? I am a pretty talented sleeper. Most nights, I lie down and within minutes I'm fast asleep and I don't wake up all night unless someone or something purposely wakes me up. So I am NOT used to this constant Uppsen Downes all night thing. Night before last, from the time I went to bed at 11:30 until I finally fell asleep for reals at 4am, I got up to pee nine times. NIINE TIIMES. ("Nine times?" "NINE TIMES." "I don't remember him being sick nine times." Name that movie.)

3. Speaking of being sick, nausea is the joyous number three on my list. Waking up queasy is just not that fun. Remaining queasy throughout the day is not that funner. Feeling queasy every time I eat is not that fun. Feeling queasy if I don't eat is not that funner. I do have to say that my nausea compared to the other two kids is not nearly as bad. Sometimes I actually feel decent. It comes and goes. It has its...wait for it... Uppsen Downes.

4. I'm not sure what to call this one. Fatigue? Exhaustion? Listlessness? I-don't-give-a-crap-iness? Whatever it's called, it makes it hard to make it through the day. I'm sleepy, but more than that I just don't have the stamina to care about anything (hence my total disappearance from blogging despite my vow to get back into the swing of things). My house is messy. My kids are watching a lot of TV. The office remains unpacked. I don't even have the energy to turn on the computer and read in bed. I just sit and stare, mostly. And try to keep my stomach from moving.

Well, that's the big complaint list. That wasn't so bad, was it? And I have one really good positive to being pregnant:

1. EATING! Whether it's because I have to eat nearly non-stop to keep from feeling sick, or because I'm constantly STARVING TO DEATH, or maybe just because I know I can, I am eating lots of yummy things I normally wouldn't. Like chips. I NEVER eat chips. I usually don't even like chips. But even if I got the rare craving, I wouldn't eat chips because they are so unjustifiably bad for your physique. But I bought three different bags of chips this week just so I would have something to nibble on. Salty seems to help. Treats also seem to help. Surprisingly, my body hasn't wanted sugar much since I got pregnant. But sometimes, when my stomach is on the upswing, I nice Chocolate Dipped Italian Shortbread Cookie from Kneaders hits the spot. And Coke, of course, always hits the spot. FULL-SUGAR COKE. Heaven.

So there you have it. The run-down on how my little Sugar Smack is affecting my life, for better and for worse. I'm sure I'll be back here again. To complain but also to gush. That's the fun part of pregnancy...it's not all bad. Some of it is good. It's full of all kinds of, you guessed it, Uppsen Downes.