Gratituesday

I was driving down the freeway today, in my comfortable car, big enough to fit all my kids and their friends, new enough to have very few things ever go wrong with it or need to be replaced, cute enough that I actually picked it out myself and got to choose the color and everything, and I realized, I AM LUCKY. Not because of my car. But because of my life.

I live comfortably. That's what made me start on this line of thinking. I have a beautiful house. Yes, having a house from two centuries ago has its down sides. But it's big enough for our family. It hasn't had any major issues. We have a nice green yard with big, shady trees. We have a walk-in closet (a rarity in old houses). We have plenty to eat and wear and do.

Then I took stock of the rest of my life. I have two gorgeous, intelligent, mostly obedient, happy, healthy children. That is a gift.

I have an absolutely fantastic husband who works so hard to support us, who is the first to volunteer to do anything the kids need, who helps around the house, who can fix anything, who makes me laugh all the time, and who makes it a priority to make me happy.

I have my health. My biggest health problems right now are allergies and a little back pain. Compared to some people I know who have dealt with cancer, fibromyalgia, depression, diabetes, Crohne's Disease, and other major health issues, I have been blessed.

I live in a free country where I am generally safe and far from danger. I have access to the best health care. I am educated. My kids are becoming educated. I have a strong belief in God and I am allowed to express it as I choose. The street by my house is paved. The roof over my head doesn't leak. The shower water is hot. The water that comes out of my tap is cold and clean. The toilet flushes. Someone picks up the garbage every week when I put it on the curb. The town where I live has 226 sunny days a year. I am eating a cheesecake brownie.

LIFE IS GOOD!

And I am grateful.

The Sob Story

I have been continuously debating over the last week since my procedure about whether or not to post about it. I'm nothing if not a big blabber mouth about my whole life. I'm not the private type AT ALL. But for some reason I've felt hesitance about this one. Because I don't want pity? Because I don't yet have answers? Because the implications might just be too overwhelming for to me to talk about??? Is that possible? Well, I guess not, because here I am posting about it. But I'm still not 100% sure I'm doing the right thing. (Don't you love how I have built this up so that now you're all wondering if I have terminal cancer or something??) (I don't.)

Ok, so the back story--I suffered from unexplained infertility when trying to conceive (TTC) my first child. We had every test under the sun done and tried all kinds of medical intervention. There was nothing wrong with either of us, yet nothing seemed to work. Eventually, after 17 LONG months of negative pregnancy tests and one miscarriage, I got pregnant and it stuck. Viola, Daphne. I nursed Daphne for 6 months, and days after I finished, I got pregnant again. This was a total surprised to me since I had no idea I could get pregnant easily. That pregnancy ended up in an ectopic with emergency surgery. They were able to save the tube, but not the pregnancy. Yet 3 weeks later, I got pregnant again and, voila, Beck.

So after one eternally long attempt at TTC and three quick pregnancies, I thought my infertility days were long gone.

But after two kids, back to back (18 months apart), I felt like I needed a break. That break turned into a longer break than originally anticipated because I wasn't ready when I thought I would be, and finally, early this summer, we decided we were ready for another baby. Well, here we are in January--no baby.

So I made a trip to the doc, just to rule out any problems. (I thought I might have endometriosis on my ovaries because of 6-8 days of killer pain when I ovulate that couldn't be explained any other way.) The doctor suggested several options: we could get an HSG (a procedure where they look at you under x-ray and shoot contrast dye through your tubes to make sure they're open) or go straight for a laproscopy, which would diagnose and clean off any endometriosis. He also did some hormone testing to make sure I was ovulating (which I was). After I left his office, I thought I really wasn't prepared to do either thing. Both are expensive. Neither are very fun. And I figured since I had gotten pregnant before, I'm sure I could again. I was probably just being too impatient.

Then I had brunch with a girlfriend who had had a similar situation, ended up having major endo removed, and got pregnant lickity split. After our talk, I decided maybe I should go ahead and get the laproscopy done after all and see if it was endo. I told me doc and we set up the surgery. The doc planned on doing a chromotubation at the same time (like an HSG, to test the tubes).

Now we're up to date.

I had the surgery last week, and the results are in! No endo! (Cheer!) However, both my tubes are blocked. (Boo! Hiss!) How the heck that happened, we don't know. Well, we do know that the right tube was damaged from the ectopic. But ironically, that tube did let just a touch of dye through. It's the good (left) tube that's completely blocked. He couldn't figure out what the blockage was, for some reason. But he did say that while pregnancy had a very slim possibility of occurring after ovulating on the right side, it would probably end ectopic as well.

SO....now the big questions. Are more kids possible? Do I want to spend a fortune on IVF, which is my only option if nothing changes with the tubes? Is there surgery that can fix this? Will it cause more damage? Should I go the homeopathic route and try herbs and fertility massage first? Do I really want to pay out thousands of dollars to try to get pregnant? Should I just pray and wait? OR...Am I done with kids? See? Deep thoughts.

Anyway, there you have it. The story of the barren wasteland that is my womb. In case you wondered.

Photo Booth

I have a bunch of photos I've taken for blogging purposes but I'm not sure they all deserve their own post. So I'm just going to jam them all together...

The Grass Is Always Greener (click this one to enlarge)



This is what happens when you leave your 3 year old alone with your laptop for 5 minutes to play online games....
(No, that is not a game. That is my new wallpaper image! How she did that, I have no idea.)

My Little Rockstar
Someday when he is a famous guitarist in a rock band, this picture will be worth a fortune. Don't you love how he's holding it just right and looking down at the strings like he's rocking out? No one even showed him how to do that!


BEFOREI colored my hair. I was sick of it being dark. So I got some highlights put in. It's pretty close to my natural color now. I'm so glad to not be a brunette anymore. No offense.
AFTER



This spells joy to me. No, not watching my kids torture the neighborhood stray. But the fact that my kids are playing OUTSIDE. That day, they played happily outside for an hour and a half!!! Oh man, I forgot how wonderful good weather is. I got so much done while they were outside dipping their mittens in puddles and launching rotten chestnuts down the slide. Oh, and getting their eyes scratched out by stray cats. It was awesome.


I feel like this picture requires some explanation. I'm not in the habit of dressing my son up in faggy sunglasses and filming him dance around naked. Honestly. But when Daphne dug up her sunglasses and brought them in to Beck, who then decided to parade around his manhood, er, boyhood in pink sunglasses with his binky in his mouth, I just couldn't resist a shot. It'll be used as blackmail later in his life, of course.


And finally, nothing makes a mother's heart glow like watching her husband make valentines with is little girl. He's in charge of the cards, she's in charge of sticker placement. As you can see, a few of the stickers missed their mark. By a few feet. That's OK. Daddy needs to get in touch with his pink, sparkly, girly side. He has one, I know it.