They say hindsight is 20/20. But my hindsight wasn't even close. 20/80 in my left eye and 20/550 in the right. 20/550...ya, you saw that right. Do you know what that means? It means virtually blind. It means serious coke-bottles. It means if you took, say, a TV and put it 550 feet away from someone, they would see it just as clearly as I would see it standing only 20 feet away. It means if you've ever run into me without my contacts, guess what? I had no idea who you were and just waved to be friendly. Sad, huh?
Whenever I have gone in for my eye exams, they'd ask me what the smallest line on the wall I could read was, and I say, there's a wall there? I couldn't even read that giant E on the top with my right eye. Which is why I have always longed for LASIK.
Mother Nature, however, has been toying with me for the last 15 years. Not only was I blessed with being the only child in my family to need glasses, my eyesight has gradually gotten worse and worse every year since I was about 23. About that time, LASIK came into existence. I asked my optimologomitrist guy if I qualified, and he said no. My eyes were not stable enough. But don't worry, he said, they usually stabilize by age 25. At age 25 I asked him if my eyes were stable enough. No, he said. But don't worry, they usually stabilize by age 30. At age 30 he told me that they'd be stable by 35. He said it with such sincerity, even though I know he'd already lied to me twice. At age 35 he finally stopped making up numbers and just shook his head. I figured I was doomed to always need glasses. But then by some miracle, at my next appointment a year later, my eyes had hardly changed. And the next year, again. Finally I was a candidate.
Now, the main reason I have always wanted LASIK, you might be surprised to know, is because of the end of the world. True dat. I mean, ya, it's a pain to put in contacts and stuff. And to need glasses first thing in the morning and at night. But contacts aren't that bad. If I thought they'd always be readily available, I probably wouldn't worry about it. But someday there may be a financial collapse. Or a major pandemic. Or a third world war. Or a run on Acuvue. Or some other reason why society (and the economy) as we know it might cease to exist. And really, the scariest thing I can think of is not being able to see if something should happen to my glasses. REALLY. I would be virtually blind, and that is very very scary.
So last week I did it. I got LASIK. It was not fun. WATCHING people cut open your eyes and pull back the cornea and do stuff with sharp instruments...actually watching it close up, despite the Valium they give you, is just not that fun, even if you can't feel a thing and it's all sort of blurry. BUT it is worth it, oh yes it is. The next day when I went in for my post-op...20/2O in both eyes!!! A week later at my check up, they've regressed a bit, to 20/25 and 20/30. But they may improve again, the doc said. They fluctuate for several months as they heal. But guess what? I don't even care! I can SEE!!!! From here on out, you can just call me "HEY, TWO EYES!"