I Hereby Sentence Myself To The Naughty List

Why can't I prepare for Christmas in November? WHY??? Why do I wait until the last minute and make the few days before the holiday so stressful and crazy that I can't even enjoy them?

I currently have several days worth of goo on my kitchen floor from...
Attempts at making gingerbread men by my kids and their cousins
My mother making her shoes glittery. (Don't ask)
Me making rolls, then coffee cake, then tacos.

I have 60 Christmas cards sitting out on the ottoman that need to be stuffed, addressed, stamped, and hauled likitysplit to the post office in hopes that at least a few might arrive before New Years.

There are 18 loads of laundry to be done; 4 from our trip and 14 from my kids, who decided to spill on every pair of pants and every shirt they own while we were gone.

I still haven't bought gifts for my husband or children (but at least the relatives' gifts got bought, wrapped, and carried by hand to all the out-of-state relatives by my brother and SIL who just left from visiting us. THANK YOU for saving my butt on that one, Guys).

I still need to make neighbor gifts (candied cinnamon almonds) and teacher gifts (handmade soap. And yes, I realize that school let out a full week ago and I'm not going to see any of my kids' teachers before Christmas, but my guilt at not making gifts because I was on a cruise is clouding my sense of logic on that one right now so we'll see how it all turns out after the soap is made).

And my cat has decided that the house would have a more festive air if she used her kitty litter pebbles as confetti.

Seriously, next year I am going to start doing all this stuff in November. November will be the new December, and my cut-off for making Christmas cards, buying presents, and making teacher/neighbor gifts will be Thanksgiving. Never mind that I'm utterly NOT in the mood for Christmas in early November and it offends my sense of proper holidays to skip ahead. Come hell or high water, I WILL ENJOY DECEMBER NEXT YEAR!!!!

Here's A Big Hint

I wasn't able to post from our cruise about the sex of the baby. In fact, I wasn't able to get cell service OR internet service (well, for under $500 a minute) the whole time. I have to tell you, it was weird. Weird being so disconnected from the world. Weird not talking to anyone I knew but my husband for a week. Weird not reading facebook or checking emails or getting text messages. I felt like I was in the 20th century again, that grand old time when you could actually take a vacation without essentially bringing the entire world (especially your husband's office) with you. The upside is that I did manage to avoid a dozen or two phone calls from my mother (who was watching the kids) about where the lid to the food processor was, or how to make the DVD player work, or where the cookie cutters were, etc. etc. and so forth. But I also wasn't able to do any of the internet Christmas shopping I had intended to get done, and I wasn't able to browse baby stores to choose new furniture for the new nursery. And I sadly wasn't even able to do a tiny little post about the sex of the baby. So here is your big hint. If you know your classic nursery rhymes, it should be easy...

Sugar and Spice
And all things nice.

And can I just say I was SO surprised. And also that I actually started BAWLING in front of the ultrasound lady. Like sobbing big ugly I-can't-even-talk sobs. Because I was convinced I was having a boy, and I was convinced Daphne would never have a sister--the greatest blessing to every living woman . So that, mixed with the relief of not having up with a boy name and buy a bunch more red and blue clothes for the next 18 years, just brought the tears up. Big Daddy was crying too, I'll have you know. But I think he was crying out of excitement at getting to choose girly bedding. Ya, I think that was it.

Anyway, that's the news. Tune in soon for pictures and anecdotes from the Caribbean including how I sneezed and peed a little bit--with no underwear on (don't recommend it), how I accidentally got drunk--well, buzzed at least (not the best idea while pregnant), how I won an Alaskan Cruise while on my cruise to Grand Cayman, and how I outwitted a Jamaican con man by eating poisonous fruit. Good times!

No Death Threats, Please. (Parentheses Version)

I hate it when I don't have any completed blog drafts saved. It results in 9 days with no posts, especially when it's early December and I have bajillion things to do. Like making neighbor treats, and going to kids' concerts, and decorating the house, and putting up the lights (which should not take all frakin day, but does. Why does going through the light strings take so long???), cleaning in preparation for my mother coming to visit. Oh, and PACKING FOR MY CRUISE!!!

Yes, it's true. We (meaning me and Big Daddy, NOT our children--we're not CRAZY) decided to skip out on all the excitement, joy, caroling, food, (snow, cold, wind, hectic shopping, and bad holiday traffic) and fly south for (a tiny portion of) the winter. Specifically Jamaica and Grand Cayman.

CAN I JUST TELL YOU HOW EXCITED I AM??? I am already dreaming at night about (virgin) piña coladas by the pool (which I won't swim in because it's SEA WATER, EW) in my adorable (maternity) polka dot tankini with my (not so adorable) belly hanging out. At least I'm (artificially) tan. Plus, I will be able to stuff my face silly...GUILT FREE. I'm sure taking a cruise while pregnant is the best idea I've ever had. (Not finishing my Christmas shopping before leaving? Probably the worst idea I've ever had. But those dang light strings!)

Anyway, I'm sorry to have to leave you all behind. I'd offer to hide someone in my suitcase, but those extra suitcases cost $35 extra now (such a racket!!), so forget it! But as a sort of make-up gift (i.e. incentive to read about my tropical adventures while you shiver in your freezing cold arctic winter) I will be making an announcement from somewhere on my trip on what gender ) my baby is. I find out today. Tune in soon! (Or you might NEVER find out what I'm having. ) (Well, at least for another five months.)

Shopping Elf (or Christmas Miracle) Needed. Apply Within.

Every year it turns December and I get really excited.

Excited to put up the tree. Slightly less excited about putting up the outdoor lights because it's always buttfreezingcold by December and putting up the outdoor lights takes FOREVER. But I do like it when they're done and my house looks so cheery all lit up.

Excited about making and receiving holiday treats for/from my neighbors.

Excited when the first Christmas card arrives in the mail. It's the only time of year I actually look forward to getting the mail.

Excited about doing holiday traditions with my kids, like breaking out the Christmas cookie cutters and decorating sugar cookies, opening a window of their Advent's Calendar so they can eat the chocolate each morning, lighting the candles on my German candle pyramid so the characters turn and dance while we watch, and waiting for a good snow so we can build a snowman or make snow angels.

But THEN I get hit with panic.

Panic that I haven't made/ordered/bought my own Christmas cards yet. Panic that I don't know if I want to make them or buy them in a store or order them online or make my husband design me some. Panic that I don't know if I want them to be edgy or cute or religious or if I want the picture to be separate or preprinted. Panic that I won't get them done and mailed by Christmas. Panic that I have no idea where I put my address book so I can address my nonexistent Christmas cards. Panic that I won't have enough stamps and I'll have to wait in line at the post office DURING DECEMBER to get more stamps or that I'll have to break down and get those horrible, generic, non-holiday ones from the automated machine that are of antique cars or famous librarians.

And then even worse panic hits when I realize I haven't bought a single, solitary Christmas present yet and NOW IT'S DECEMBER and the stores will be packed with people and I'll have to park way at the back of the parking lot and walk through arctic weather with a gigantic down jacket and gloves on so I don't freeze solid between my car and the store and then I'll have to tote that huge jacket around the burning hot stores with me because I was too wussie to leave it in the car and sprint through the snow and then I'll have to battle my way through crowded aisles to try to find presents for people that I have no idea how to shop for and I'll end up getting the wrong thing, or worse, gift cards that make me feel like I'm a total slacker and have walked so far and carried my coat around the store for nothing and then I wonder will I even be able to get the presents and gift cards in the mail in time for them to get there before Christmas because I'm pretty sure I have no shipping boxes and no wrapping paper and definitely no tape or sharp scissors and I'll end up having to wrap them in bubble wrap and newspaper and tape them with duct tape and hope they make it in one piece.

Sigh...


IS IT JANUARY YET???